My Lord, you know how I’ve always sought your Holy Wisdom. You know how I’ve studied your words night and day. You know how I take delight in the presence of your altar, how in solitude I whisper the cries of my heart, how I listen to words that give me life. You know too how I yearn to share your Peace and your Salvation. All these years I have faithfully preached your words. All these years I have fervently prayed for those who were lost. You have blessed me indeed by being your instrument of Grace and you have honored me as you performed countless miracles before my very eyes. How glad am I to be the one you’ve chosen, how proud to be under the banner of your Victorious Hand. I’ve always been sure of those victories and I yearned for each coming glory as I’ve yearned for the breath of life.
From glory to glory indeed! From one victorious battle unto another, until at last I have tasted defeat. My Lord, I have never known such a word before and surely, it never even crossed my mind to experience something your chosen ones do not deserve. I am not used to darkness and I’m not prepared for storms that come out of nowhere and suddenly ravages everything that stands along its way. You know I’ve done everything I’ve always done, surely I haven’t missed a single step. Why then these failure O God? Why this burden I don’t know how to bear? I thought I knew you. I thought I understood your people and I knew precisely where each one is coming from. I wanted to help them. I wanted to open their eyes but they just couldn’t see, their ears, but they just don’t listen anymore. I laid down your words the best way I know how, I prayed for them day and night but they still couldn’t find the answer. Their stubborn hearts refuse to believe and they only yearn for words they want to hear. They shouldn’t have come to me at all! They shouldn’t have sought something they do not wish to find.
But they came to me Lord, and I sen them away far worse than the way they were when they sought me. Edward couldn’t accept the truth of a love long gone, and he preferred to be bound to his grief rather than let go of everything upon your Hands. Debbie couldn’t let go of her guilt and went on punishing herself never believing her sins had already been forgiven, blotted out by the blood of your Son. And Elsie, Elsie came to me believing I could help her. But I’ve let her down in the end. Had I been to harsh with her? Had my words been so strong she couldn’t accept it, couldn’t follow it? Had I judged her? Had I condemned your precious child when all she really needed was someone to talk to, to bear with her sorrows, to be patient enough to believe that progress will come and change will happen even if it be beyond the time I have set for her, the reasonable amount of time I deemed sufficient for anyone willing to accept you and change? Indeed Lord, I’ve called it “my time”.
Indeed Lord, when I thought I’ve been following you, I had been following “my way” all along. And now I realized where I have failed. It should have been “your time”. It should have been “your way”. I never should have given up. I never should have lost hope. And I never should have lost love. For it is love that finds its way when the mind can no longer understand. And it is love that sees each one as “unique”, unique and beautiful, created by God and to be treated with utmost honor and respect. I am not working with machines that can be programmed. I am not working with mere objects where one successful formula fits all. Each person is special, each is redeemed with a personal sacrifice in love.
Help me Divine Father and forgive me for my many sins. I’ve been so used to victory that I have forgotten from whence each victory comes from. I’ve been so used to glory that I couldn’t share your children’s sorrows anymore. Night has come to me so I may learn how cold night is. Storms have troubled me so I may know fear, so I may understand each suffering soul. Help me to see each child O God, through your eyes. Give me the gift of letting them know the beauty that you see in each one. And let my hope never falter, let my patience never fail. For love hopes indeed in all things and love never ever gives up.
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