I Take Off The Mask!

When I was a kid, I used to have very simple dreams, one of which is being able to finish my studies, the other one is being able to land a job that will be able to support my family and afford us a decent and more comfortable life. I was able to do that. I graduated with a degree in Accounting, with flying colors like they used to say! Then I became an auditor and landed a job that pays me enough to afford us the simple pleasures of life, very simple pleasures like dining out, watching movies, buying an airconditioning unit that already seems to be a necessity in a country whose temperature reaches 42 degrees celsius in summer.

I celebrated that. I rejoiced when those dreams came true. Yet somewhere in my heart, I knew I had a few secret dreams. Dreams too extravagant for me then that fulfilling them seemed to be selfishness already to me. For how could I even think of them if I don’t even know how we can get by from day to day?

I dreamt again. I dug up the passions I’ve buried for so long. Music, photography, writing. I wanted to do the things I’ve always wanted to do. I wanted to put more meaning in my life.

And yes, I was able to do those, too. I won recognition in a national scriptwriting contest. I was able to write my first book. I was able to establish a website that can reach many people around the world. I celebrated that, too. I felt so blessed to be able to touch lives and comfort others through these gifts.

At first I thought this was enough. I thought I only have to strive harder to improve my skills so I can be more effective in making a difference in the lives of many I haven’t even met. Then it hit me. I’m such a fool thinking I could make such a difference in others while neglecting my own growth, while failing to define who I really am, who I really want to be!

Funny isn’t it? When you thought you’ve been trying to be what you want, when all the while you didn’t even know who you really wanted to be.

I thought I wanted to be an accountant. I thought I wanted to be a writer. And yet it seemed the picture had always been incomplete. For a person is not always in one’s office doing the piles of assignments in her desk. Neither is a person writing 24 hours in a day writing some humorous story or inspirational article. When I’m not doing any of the two roles I mentioned, who am I? Infact, who am I when I’m not doing anything at all?

It was then that I realized how I had been living my life all these years. I realized how I had been striving and pursuing my dreams while remaining the faceless person I had been all along. Yes, faceless and nameless, for I was without a clear understanding of my whole person, and without a concrete vision of the kind of person I really wanted to be.

It’s no wonder then how shy I had been for so long. I was always withdrawing, always afraid. In truth I was afraid of looking at myself, and of realizing how far I am from the person I really wanted to be.

It was not that I was a bad person. Nor was it that I do not know my intelligence and other strengths. But I guess I was hindered since my early years by a certain physical defect in my right eye. I’ve always felt it was the first thing people notice in me, something that made me unattractive, something that made me feel I’m different from all the other kids. I thought I could never be beautiful, so why even try? I thought I could never blend in as a normal kid, so why risk rejection?

So began my journey in the shadow of my fears. So began a life without a real identity, for maybe I’d rather have none than an ugly unacceptable one.

And now, as I ponder upon what I truly want to achieve, these things haunt me as ghosts from a troubled past. For in order to begin the journey towards the person I desire to become, I must begin by facing who I am now, and of accepting myself, warts and all.

I accept my defect. I accept my limitations. I accept and recognize the darkness in me that needed to be illuminated. Yet I also accept my virtues. I accept my gifts. I recognize every good seed that had been planted in my heart all along. And then I am free. Free to remain the way I am today. Free to change and be the best possible me there could ever be.

Finally, I could ask myself who I really wanted to be. Not what job I want. Not what achievements or awards I would like to have. But the kind of person I truly want to be. Because that’s the only thing I could always possess, the only thing no one can ever take away from me, the only thing that can truly make my life meaningful and worthwhile.

Who do I really want to be? I paused and looked into my heart and soul. I asked myself how I wanted to live my life, how I wanted to deal with other people, what impact I would like to create, what sweet fragrance I wanted to leave wherever I should set forth. Am I to be a gloomy cloud casting darkness wherever the wind blows me? Or am I to be a soothing joyous light that brings happines and peace wherever I may choose to go?

And if I wish to be the latter, shouldn’t it follow that I must learn to shine in order to give out light? Doesn’t it follow that I must take off the dark cloak that has hidden my true beauty all these years?

Indeed, if I choose to be light, I must be a light in everything I do, in anywhere that I may go, in all my ways, and in every aspect of my being, from my thinking to my manners, from the purity of my heart to my physical appearance.

From the light of that vision, I begin to define myself. For what indeed is light? And what indeed is beauty? And I must define these in the light of my own wisdom, lest I fall in the trap of trying to please only other people, lest I forget what’s truly important for me.

I can begin now. And I begin by writing down my life purpose:

To walk in perfect peace, true love flowing from my heart, my spirit resonating with a song of gladness as it touches other people’s hearts, comforting each troubled spirit, breaking free from the loneliness and emptiness that had been, and moving on towards the burning flame of hope that never ever dies.

This article was written by Jocelyn Soriano at ITAKEOFFTHEMASK.COM

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