For most of us, a certain pattern seems to repeat itself
We fall in love, we get hurt, and then we fall in love again with someone who will only hurt us in the end.
Eventually, we feel there’s something wrong with us, that this was the reason why we can’t be loved, the reason why people always left us in the end.
Soon we can’t even remember what our needs were. We get so focused on meeting the needs of people whose affections we desired that we fail to recognize and respect our own feelings and needs. We lose our identity and self-esteem. And then we lose the interest of the very people we have tried to please.
If you could recognize this pattern, know that not everything is lost. You’re not cursed. You’re not unworthy. You’re not hopeless. Things have happened for a reason, and it’s time we do something about it.
Why Do We Fall in Love with the Wrong Person?
Even after they’ve hurt us so much, why do we find it so hard to let them go?
1. We’re just so lonely that we want the company and validation of other people even if we’re not compatible with them.
Many times, when we’re so lonely, we just don’t care about other things like compatibility. We just don’t want to be alone! Being alone becomes like a phobia, a fear so great it cripples us from doing anything else.
Where is this fear coming from? Was it due to peer pressure? Was it due to influences from the media? Does it have anything to do with your old childhood issues? Were you made to believe you could never be “complete” on your own?
There is a big difference between loneliness and solitude. Solitude is when you’re alone but you’re still in touch with your source of life. Loneliness can grip you even when you’re with other people. It’s when you feel “cut-off” from the source of your natural joy, from life.
How lonely are you right now? Is your loneliness so great it can’t be addressed adequately even if you’re with another person?
2. We seek a trait we lack in another person who has it.
It is said that the people we admire most possess certain traits we’d like to have for ourselves. It can be anything from being funny, intelligent, confident, adventurous, or even holy.
These are the traits we often find lovable in a person, traits we want to acquire to become lovable as well.
When we find people with these traits and become their partners, we feel as though we have also acquired these traits through affiliation. Finally, we become whole, we forget whatever it is that we lack.
But what if the person who possesses such a trait also has other traits that are not desirable, or even harmful? One example is when we find an adventurous person, but with a violent streak. Is it worth it? Would you like to have his exciting life even if he hurts you physically and emotionally?
Can you not find this trait in another person who is in control of himself? Or can you not try to grow this trait into your own character?
3. We project an illusion of our ideals instead of seeing other people as they are.
Are you really in love? Or are you just in love with the idea of being in love?
Do you love your partner? Or are you just in love with your illusion of who your partner is?
We fall in love with the wrong people when we’re so wrapped up in our illusions that we become blind to the true character of the people we become intimate with.
In this situation, it’s like we’re using a person, any available person we can cling on to feed some dream or ideal which they may never be able to satisfy. We demand from them things they could never give us. We want to turn them into persons they could never really become.
To find true happiness, we must also accept the truth about other people. It’s the only way to let go of those you don’t want and then give yourself the chance to find someone you truly desire.
4. We don’t know what we want in a person.
Have you so forgotten your own needs that you also forgot what you truly want in your life partner?
I’ve noticed that people who easily found their partners were the ones who had a clear idea of what they wanted in the other person.
They have been allowed to dream, and they truly believed they can someday meet people who can make them happy.
True love demands truthfulness from your heart. Even if you find certain people you can be with for the moment, you’d just end up pushing them away if you can’t find the heart to love them.
Dare to find out what you want. Only then can your desires be satisfied.
5. We can’t believe we’re good enough to find better people.
It may be that we do know what we’re looking for in a person. We know exactly the kind of people who could make us happy. Along the way, however, we were convinced we could never really find them. We were made to believe we don’t deserve them or that they don’t even exist at all!
How many times have you been told your standards were too high? Does it mean you have to lie to yourself and settle for someone you don’t really like? Isn’t it unfair for you and that person? Why can’t you believe you’re good enough to find the person you truly deserve?
To fall in love is not a tedious obligation to be performed, but a blessed opportunity to be grateful for! What kind of person will make your heart leap with joy? What kind of partner can make you feel God loves you?
To fall in love with the right person is to receive a wonderful gift! Which person will you consider as that? As God’s “precious gift” to you?
Falling in love with the wrong people doesn’t mean we don’t deserve to be loved. It doesn’t mean we couldn’t find the people who could give us lasting joy. But it does mean that we have to make some changes that will break our previous pattern of hurts. It means that we need to start a new process of healing and growth.
We need to give ourselves the time and space we need to see ourselves in a whole new perspective, to see the unique and beautiful person who deserves to be respected and loved.
