I sometimes feel frustrated in trying to find the thin line between being independent (loving myself) and being able to belong (loving others). I get frustrated because whenever I try to break out of my shell and reach out to other people, I find my efforts are often not really needed, if not too demanding of others.
You see, whenever I think of loving others, I get into this ideal mode in my mind that says, “I care for you and you care for me. We care for each other. My actions aren’t only for myself and so are your actions. In everything that we do, we take one another into consideration.”
So guess what happens when someone performs an action that does not consider the other - “me”! I feel terribly disappointed. Even if it’s the other way around where I’m not able to do what I think is “expected” of me, I feel bad not being able to do my part.
Feeling terrible as this, I then wonder if reaching out and trying to form relationships is really worth it. Wouldn’t it be easier to just care for yourself? In that way, you wouldn’t expect anything of anyone. Also, nobody would expect anything from you.
Yet what kind of life will that be? While it is true that you wouldn’t have troubles or misunderstandings that way, you wouldn’t feel warmth or connection as well. You’d feel cold and empty and life will be very boring as well, a life that isn’t worth living.
In the end, it all redounds to balance, which is not so easy to achieve. I guess I just have to carry on, learning from each mistake, each little triumph, forging relationships that may not be perfect, but which fills the heart with warmth and a lot of joy.
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This is a tricky one I think. I think our true self involves our social nature. There is also our tendency to love who we think the other person is rather than who they are. (There is also the tendency to love who we think we are rather than who we are.)
If we can welcome our disagreements (not expressed violently) I have found that we can move to much deeper relationships through our differences as well as our similarities.
Maybe we shouldn’t have any expectation… if you give/love the other, do it because YOU want to, but don’t expect that they have to do anything back for you. Then you will be happy by giving/loving and not frustrated. And if you don’t want to be just on your own, that’s fine too. That’s your choice.
Here are a few words from chapter 11 from The Anthem (Ayn Rand)… I really like them…
“I owe nothing to my brothers, nor do I gather debts from them. I ask none to live for me, nor do I live for any others. I covet no man’s soul, nor is my soul theirs to covet.
I am neither foe nor friend to my brothers, but such as each of them shall deserve of me. And to earn my love, my brothers must do more than to have been born. I do not grant my love without reason, nor to any chance passer-by who may wish to claim it. I honor men with my love. But honor is a thing to be earned.
I shall choose friends among men, but neither slaves nor masters. And I shall choose only such as please me, and them I shall love and respect, but neither command nor obey. And we shall join our hands when we wish, or walk alone when we so desire. For in the temple of his spirit, each man is alone. Let each man keep his temple untouched and undefiled. Then let him join hands with others if he wishes, but only beyond his holy threshold.”
The first two comments are interesting, and say much of what I would have said here (so why be redundant?!). I used to think as you did, and some days still do. What I’ve come to discover, though, is that I grow the most - and learn the most about myself - through relationships with others. And I read something recently that said our hearts are here to connect with other hearts, not stay solitary.
I don’t suppose you watch Grey’s Anatomy, do you? Last week’s episode sort of epitomized what I’m trying to say here. A newborn premie was struggling to live, and its vitals were dropping, so one of the doctors (who apparently had nothing else to do for 12 hours), picked the baby up and held it to his heart. The baby’s vitals improved dramatically.
I’ve read other studies about the importance of human touch to our overall well-being, as well.
Makes me think.
Good luck and loads of love to you!
We can only love others to the capacity we love ourselves. You can’t give something you don’t have.
@Suzanna - Hi, Suzanna! I read what you’ve written. Thanks for the lovely words you’ve shared here. It’s a good thing to remember how we choose people around us, not as slaves nor masters, but as brothers bonded in respect and love.
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