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Best Life Quotes

Forgiveness After Domestic Abuse

Liza Summer from Pexels

After the sting of betrayal in an abusive relationship, why should we should forgive?

“Forgiveness does not mean forgetting the abuse or pretending that it did not happen. Neither is possible. Forgiveness is not permission to repeat the abuse. Rather, forgiveness means that the victim decides to let go of the experience and move on with greater insight and conviction not to tolerate abuse of any kind again.” (USCCB, “When I Call For Help”)

Forgiveness is an art of giving — of giving to ourselves, to our healing, and to our spiritual growth. It’s letting go of anger and resentment, and dissolving any desire for revenge or payback. It’s a release and a relief.

What forgiveness is not is a memory eraser, nor should it be. “Forgive and forget” is an unhealthy attitude, because it’s impossible to forget excruciating trauma, nor should we try. “Forgetting” in this way is merely burying things rather than healing them — or healing from them.

In order to heal, we can’t avoid our pain. We have to walk directly through the scorching heat of the recovery process.

Even after we fully heal, we won’t magically forget the trauma we’ve endured. Instead we’ll remember it, acknowledge how we’ve grown from the suffering we’ve been through, and recall what the abusive situation was like. This allows us not only to avoid similar situations in the future, but also to feel a healthy sense of much-needed empowerment and self-worth, an acknowledgment of the immense strength it takes to emerge from victim to resilient survivor.

What forgiveness is not is a memory eraser, nor should it be. “Forgive and forget” is an unhealthy attitude, because it’s impossible to forget excruciating trauma, nor should we try. “Forgetting” in this way is merely burying things rather than healing them?—?or healing from them.
(©Keariel Peasley)

Forgiveness is about release: release of toxic attachment to a situation or person, release of having to dwell on what the person said or did, release to create the space to focus on yourself — on your own God-given strengths and talents, healthy hobbies and pursuits, and the development of close ties with supportive and loving friends and family. Jewel, in her brilliant memoir Never Broken: Songs are Only Half the Story, makes the point that forgiveness “is the scissor that cuts the cord that binds you [and your abuser] together.”

Many survivors have asked me: “Why forgive? He destroyed my sense of self, took away my best years, depleted my spirit. He doesn’t deserve my forgiveness.”

Robert D. Enright is one of the leading psychologists in the field of forgiveness. In his book The Forgiving Life: A Pathway to Overcoming Resentment and Creating a Legacy of Love, he speaks of the necessity of forgiveness and the dangers of harboring resentment by refusing to forgive. When we’ve been betrayed, controlled, and lied to, we naturally recognize either that a love we once had has been taken from us through manipulative betrayal, or that it never truly existed in the way we thought it had.

That hurts. A lot. Lundy Bancroft describes the feeling perfectly:

“The shock to a woman of having her deepest vulnerabilities thrown back in her face by someone she has loved and trusted can cause a burning pain unlike any other. This is intimate psychological cruelty in one of its worst forms.”

“The shock to a woman of having her deepest vulnerabilities thrown back in her face by someone she has loved and trusted can cause a burning pain unlike any other. This is intimate psychological cruelty in one of its worst forms.”
(Liza Summer from Pexels)

After the shock has begun to wear off, feelings of resentment may naturally follow. Dr. Enright describes resentment as something that “sits down in our hearts, takes off its stinky shoes, and makes itself too much at home. After a while, we do not know how to ask it to leave.” It causes us to obsess over negative situations and possibilities and keeps us tied to those who have hurt us in unhealthy ways. Resentment tends to spill over into additional areas of our lives, spreading toxicity within our healthy relationships. We become irritable, impatient, and angry — or exhausted, depressed, and anxious. This creates a ripple effect of isolation and disconnection from others, which makes it difficult to trust anyone, not just the one who actually betrayed us.

Dr. Enright describes resentment as something that “sits down in our hearts, takes off its stinky shoes, and makes itself too much at home. After a while, we do not know how to ask it to leave.” It causes us to obsess over negative situations and possibilities and keeps us tied to those who have hurt us in unhealthy ways.
(Liza Summer from Pexels)

When love is broken by betrayal, it has a tendency of breaking everything else, like a terrible tornado directly inside the home.

The cure is forgiveness.

When we’re ready to open ourselves to forgiveness, the path of love will show us how to trust again.

At this point along the journey of forgiveness, however, the focus on regaining trust isn’t on trusting the abuser — something that very well may never be justified — but rather on learning to trust ourselves again. All of us who have been betrayed by abuse have lost not only the gift of trusting our partner and by extension others, but of trusting ourselves. And that is very sad indeed.

Process your anger: anger is healthy and healing.

Embrace it, don’t deny it.

Many people feel stuck because they want to forgive and learn to trust again (regardless of whether or not they want to reconcile), but they still feel angry with their abuser, and perhaps even resentful toward what he’s done and how he’s controlled their life for so long. They’re not sure how to move forward.

The way forward is to recognize those feelings. Embrace them. Love them, even. They’re valid.

The way forward is to recognize those feelings. Embrace them. Love them, even. They’re valid.
(Hassan OUAJBIR from Pexels)

Anger isn’t a bad thing. In fact, it can be quite healthy — as long as it’s admitted and processed. Targets of domestic abuse tend to deny anger, believing they’re hurt and heartbroken (which they are) but not necessarily angry (which they most often are, and rightfully so). We need to admit this. Anger is good, as long as it’s kept in a healthy balance. It’s part of the glorious scenery along the path to healing. The CCC mentions anger as one of the “passions” which “are natural components of the human psyche … Passions are morally good when they contribute to a good action; evil in the opposite case” (CCC 1764, 1768).

Being angry about the right things and in the right way is virtuous. But avoiding anger at all times may be a sign of weakness. St. Thomas Aquinas notes how it is a vice not to get angry over things one should. He calls it “unreasonable patience.”

What is the role of anger in forgiveness? How do we use healthy anger to propel us toward self-growth while avoiding the fatal trap of falling into toxic resentment?

It’s all about obsession. Those who feel toxic resentment obsess over past hurts and luxuriate in being a victim.

This is done for a variety of reasons: because it makes them feel as if they have an excuse for their own negative behaviors, because it helps them to avoid feelings of toxic shame, because it gains them the attention of other people’s empathy.

Or, obsessing over past hurts can be a form of dreaming for revenge or “karma” to take its toll on the one who hurt us. None of these attitudes are healthy — and they won’t make us into an authentic, whole person. Only the release of forgiveness can do that.

Yet forgiveness doesn’t equal reconciliation.

Forgiveness and reconciliation are two completely separate issues, and to confuse them would be detrimental and damaging. Forgiveness also doesn’t mean toleration of abusive behavior.

(Karolina Grabowska from Pexels)

It’s also important to realize that forgiveness isn’t a one-time event. It’s a process, and often a slow one. To force or coerce a false sense of forgiveness because you feel “it’s the right thing to do” is actually the wrong thing to do.

Acknowledge each emotion as it comes.

During the grieving and healing process after domestic abuse, many emotions will arise, subside, arise again, and swirl together. Take each one as they show up, and honour it as a welcome piece in the recovery process. Process your trauma through prayer and self-understanding. Allow forgiveness to eventually flow in a natural, soft way. It will, it just may take time.


The above post was written by Jenny duBay.  She is an author, domestic abuse survivor-turned-advocate, and founder of Create Soul Space (https://www.createsoulspace.net).

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Best Life Quotes love

Life’s Greatest Happiness

Life’s greatest happiness is to know that you have loved.

Happy Valentines Day!

You may use the above image in your personal or social posts.  I only hope that you add a link back to this blog.

Quotes on the Love of God

graceandlove

Go forth in peace, for you have followed the good road. Go forth without fear, for he who created you has made you holy, has always protected you, and loves you as a mother. Blessed be you, my God, for having created me.- Saint Clare of Assisi

“Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired.” – Mother Teresa

There is no need to be dismayed if love sometimes follows torturous ways. Grace has the power to make straight the paths of human love. – Pope John Paul II

God loves each of us as if there were only one of us. – Augustine

“Take God for your spouse and friend and walk with him continually, and you will not sin and will learn to love, and the things you must do will work out prosperously for you.” -St. John of the Cross

O guiding night!
O night more lovely than the dawn!
O night that has united
the Lover with his beloved,
transforming the beloved in her Lover…
I abandoned and forgot myself,
laying my face on my Beloved;
all things ceased; I went out from myself,
leaving my cares
forgotten among the lilies.
-St. John of the Cross

…an instant of pure love is more precious in the eyes of God and the soul, and more profitable to the Church, than all other good works together, though it may seem as if nothing were done. -St. John of the Cross

“But the man who is not afraid to admit everything that he sees to be wrong with himself, and yet recognizes that he may be the object of God’s love precisely because of his shortcomings, can begin to be sincere. His sincerity is based on confidence, not in his own illusions about himself, but in the endless, unfailing mercy of God.” – Thomas Merton

We have come to believe in God’s love: in these words the Christian can express the fundamental decision of his life. Being Christian is not the result of an ethical choice or a lofty idea, but the encounter with an event, a person, which gives life a new horizon and a decisive direction. – Pope Benedict XVI

You know that the foundation of the world is love, so that even when no human being can or will help you, you may go on, trusting in the One who loves you. – Joseph Ratzinger, Jesus of Nazareth

It seems to me that if everyone were to receive such favours God would be feared by none, but loved to excess; that no one would ever commit the least willful fault—and this through love, not fear. – St. Therese of Lisieux

It is not because I have been preserved from mortal sin that I lift up my heart to God in trust and love. I feel that even had I on my conscience every crime one could commit, I should lose nothing of my confidence: my heart broken with sorrow, I would throw myself into the Arms of my Saviour. I know that He loves the Prodigal Son, I have heard His words to St. Mary Magdalen, to the woman taken in adultery, and to the woman of Samaria. No one could frighten me, for I know what to believe concerning His Mercy and His Love. And I know that all that multitude of sins would disappear in an instant, even as a drop of water cast into a flaming furnace. – St. Therese of Lisieux

The glory of heaven consists in seeing and loving God face-to-face… She shall see that all the tribulations, the poverty, infirmities, and persecutions, which she regards as misfortunes, have all proceeded from love, and have been the means employed by divine providence to bring her to glory. – St. Alphonsus

I only know Divine unconditional, radical and reckless love for me when I dare to approach God just as I am. The more I have the courage to meet God in this place of weakness, the more I will know myself to be truly and deeply loved by God. – David G. Benner, The Gift of Being Yourself

Man is, of all creatures, beloved of God. God created man, and before creating him He thought of him, loved him. This is our treasure: God has loved us, He has created us in love, and because He loves us He wants to draw us back to Himself. – Marie-Eugene of the Child Jesus, OCD (Where the Spirit Breathes)

How did Jesus love us? He became living bread that you and I might eat, that we might live. He became so small and so weak in order to meet our hunger for God. Bread, just bread, the simplest of all food to the point that even a child can eat it and understand it. – Mother Teresa, Heart of Joy

I am thirsty, said Jesus on the cross… His thirst was not for water but for love. – Mother Teresa, Heart of Joy

No person is ever so weak or poor in the eyes of men that he could ever be without value in the eyes of God. – Jocelyn Soriano

Who except God can give you peace? Has the world ever been able to satisfy the heart?-Saint Gerard Majella

God loves those to whom he can give more, those who expect more from him, those who are open, those who sense their need and rely on him for everything. Our works are just an expression of the growth of God’s love in us. – Mother Teresa, Heart of Joy

Before His gaze all falsehood melts away. This encounter with Him, as it burns us, transforms and frees us, allowing us to become truly ourselves… His gaze, the touch of His heart heals us through an undeniably painful transformation “as through fire”. But it is a blessed pain, in which the holy power of His love sears through us like a flame, enabling us to become totally ourselves and thus totally of God.- Pope Benedict XVI, Spe Salvi

“If all were to know how beautiful Jesus is and how loving He is! They would all die of love. And yet, how is it that He is so little loved?” – St. Gemma Galgani

When I contemplate upon my love for a family or a friend, I realize how I would really want to make them happy. I also realize that try as I may, my own love for them cannot suffice. Only God’s love could ever be enough,and that’s what I desire for them with all my heart and soul. – Jocelyn Soriano

How dear your soul is to Me! I have inscribed your name upon My hand; you are engraved as a deep wound in My Heart. – Jesus to St. Faustina, Diary of Divine Mercy

“Because God has made us for Himself, our hearts are restless until they rest in Him.” -Augustine of Hippo

GodloveGet the FREE APP – God’s Love Quotes and Meditations – CLICK HERE!

Love is a personal thing.
It wouldn’t be love
If He couldn’t even
Look at you
As though
You’re the only person
He sees.
Do you not feel
The warmth of His gaze?
He calls you by name.
And you know Him, too.
You respond
To the sound of His voice.
It’s a personal thing,
More intimate than
Two lovers mem’rising
Each other’s face.
More passionate
Than two hands
Clasped together,
Never intending
to let each other go.
To Him,
You’re not a mere number,
You’re not just a faceless crowd.
Even behind a mask,
He knows you.
Did He not form you
In your mother’s womb?
Do you not see your name
Inscribed upon His hands?
Even a mother may forget,
But He will remember you.
For you He will leave
The rest behind
Just so you could be found
You are not forgotten,
You are not alone.
You are seen,
You are pursued.
His love is as personal
As each unique shell
Upon the shore
He loves you faithfully
Deeply
And amazingly
For the person
That you truly are.

Categories
Best Life Quotes

I Saw a Yellow Butterfly Upon a Rose (a poem on grief)

I saw a yellow butterfly resting on a rose
Day by day I saw it
As it came for that single flower.

It was quite peculiar, I thought
for a butterfly to be attached
to just one flower.

Why must it fly again and again
Why must it return
for a rose that’s just like any other?

Even when the rose has died
the yellow butterfly stayed
by its side.
Was it weeping
for sweet nectars
it could no longer find?

Go away, dear butterfly!
Go and taste other roses
for how could you live
near a wilted flower?

But the butterfly stayed
as though saying,
“I have only lived
because I came upon this flower.
I’d fly away, but not too soon,
not before I kiss
with one final bliss,
not without remembering
the rare sweetness of this rose.”


The above poem is included in Jocelyn Soriano’s book for those who grieve the loss of a loved one “Of Waves and Butterflies: Poems on Grief”. Get it from Amazon today—click here.

Categories
Best Life Quotes

Why You Should Listen to Your Tears

Image by Stefan Keller from Pixabay

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.” – Washington Irving

My friend, I know how much you’ve been hurt, and I’ve witnessed how this broken world has disappointed you. I’ve also seen how you tried to be strong through it all. Though it was difficult, and though I could barely imagine your pain, you found the courage to go on. You did not back away from life nor did you surrender your fight.

Sometimes, however, I feel that the burden is already too great for you to bear. It is much too painful to keep inside of you. And that is why I feel that every now and then, you must find a safe place for you to rest. Yes, a safe place where you can take off your heavy armor and just feel all the crazy emotions you feel within.

My friend, there are times when I think that you must allow yourself to cry. It may not be easy at first. It may feel as though all you have is well that’s gone dry. But allow yourself this privilege, the chance to let your tears fall again.

In utter silence, and in the safety of your hiding place, let those tears fall like showers in the midst of summer. Set them free and let them speak. Let them sing the saddest song if they would.

Sometimes we need to feel the pain before we heal. Sometimes we need to listen to our tears.

“You know how troubled I am;
you have kept a record of my tears.
Aren’t they listed in your book?”
– Psalm 56:8, GNT

Categories
Best Life Quotes

The Carrying of the Cross – Fourth Sorrowful Mystery of the Rosary (with Reflection)

Image by Harry Fabel from Pixabay

21 They compelled one passing by, coming from the country, Simon of Cyrene, the father of Alexander and Rufus, to go with them that he might bear his cross. 22 They brought him to the place called Golgotha, which is, being interpreted, “The place of a skull.”
(Mark 15:21-22, WEBBE)

Reflection

How many times have you felt like the weight of your cross is too heavy for you to bear? How many times have you fallen and felt as though you could never get up again?

It’s not easy to carry our cross. Many times, we feel tired. Sometimes, we don’t even know how long we can still go on.

We see others succeed as though they don’t have any burden to bear. People praise them and look up to them. And no one seems to care about the crosses we bear. Worse, we often feel that we are being unjustly punished in life. That we don’t deserve our many troubles.

As we meditate upon this mystery today, let us remember how Jesus carried His cross. Of all people, Jesus never deserved to be punished. For what evil has He done? All He did was help people. He fed the hungry, He gave sight to the blind, He cured the sick, He even made the dead to rise again.

But He willingly took up His cross for our sake, for the sake of Love.

Friends, however heavy your cross may be right now, know that you are never alone. God carries your cross with you. He carried our burdens long before we were even born because He knew what we could never carry on our own.

Don’t give up no matter how many times you fall. Remember how Jesus also fell three times, but He rose again and again to give us hope, and to pave the way for our salvation.