See her books like "Questions to God", "Mend My Broken Heart", "To Love an Invisible God", "Defending My Catholic Faith", "Of Waves and Butterflies: Poems on Grief" and more - click here.
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(You may freely quote excerpts from this website as long as due credit is given to author Jocelyn Soriano and the website itakeoffthemask.com)
Father God, times are hard they say
Many people will lose their jobs.
No one can tell how long this crisis shall last.
No assurance can be given
to all who grope in the dark.
But I believe, dear Father
Father God, it’s so lonely out here. Many times I’ve asked myself why I had to go here in the first place, and why I can’t go back yet to where my heart truly is, where my true happiness resides. Why must I walk these streets alone? Why must I eat this bread without my family?
Many sights have so amazed me since I got here and yet no beauty has ever succeeded in wiping away the tears from my eyes. For without my loved ones, what can all these things mean to me? I’d rather be blind, I’d rather tire myself to sleep so I won’t have time to remember, to cry, to long so painfully for the people I love so much.
Help me O God. Give me strength to bear such a terrible longing. Give me hope so that the vision of your blessings for my loved ones always be before me. Give me faith so I can cling on that hope on my darkest and loneliest days. Let me never forget the reason why I came here for. Let me never forget who I am and to whom I really belong. Save me from my weaknesses and snatch me away from the many temptations that lurk along the way.
I have not come here for my own sake. I have not come here for defeat. I came here for my beloved ones. I came here to make a sacrifice. And I came here to be victorious though you Most Holy Name! Guide me O Lord each step of the way, protect me from all dangers that I may come home safely, full of your wonderful blessings and overflowing with gratitude for all that you have done for me and my family. Amen!
Yes, I understand why things had to happen this way. I understand the reason for this pain. But mere understanding does not chase away the hurt. It does not call upon the sun when dark clouds have loomed over me. Let the rain come then if it must come! And let it wash away the dust that hurt my eyes!
There are times when life suddenly casts a shadow upon us: we suffer for sins we did not even commit, we go through situations we certainly do not deserve. In such times, we have so many questions throbbing at the back of our minds, but the biggest of them all is “WHY?”
We want to know the reason why we had to go through such excruciating pain. We want to know why we were not able to do anything to prevent them. We want to know why God failed us, why He let us down when we needed Him most.
Yet even after we were able to answer these questions, the pain remains, life stands still, and we can do nothing but wait ’til everything’s over, until we can move on again like we used to, when our hearts were not yet bruised and broken. We then come into answering our second biggest question, and that is “HOW?”
How do we deal with the awful feeling of brokenness? How do we start to move on? How on earth are we ever going to smile again?
Like many people, I’ve been through dark and painful moments in my life as well, moments I wanted to skip, moments when what I wanted the most was to have a time machine so I could either go back in time when I was happy, or fast forward anywhere in the future when I can find myself whole again.
But no machine like that has ever been invented yet, and the only way to move from the terrible place where I stood was to go through the dark tunnel ahead with the firm hope of finding a better place on the other side.
If you’re willing to go through that dark tunnel with me, let us begin. Let us try to answer the only question that can lead us to a better place. How indeed can we ever deal with our grief?
1. Accept the challenge and do my best.
We can never move on anywhere unless we acknowledge where we stand at the moment. Acceptance is the shortest route to peace. Acceptance will help you let go of your “whys” so you can start focusing on your “hows”.
Accept that things have already happened. Accept that you can do nothing to turn back the hands of time to undo everything that’s already been done. You can blame everyone, you can blame God, you can even blame yourself but that would never change your situation. That would never help you get out of the pit that you’re in, the suffering you’re going through.
Find the way to acceptance, and you can begin to find the strength and the will to move on.
2. Rest when I can no longer carry on.
It is a good thing to cry and mourn for your sorrows. It is good to release your tears, your anger, your pent-up emotions. But there are limits to our powers, to our physical and emotional strength as human beings.
We need enough time to rest to renew our strength, so we can have a better cry next time. Have enough sleep. Force yourself to watch television or buy groceries and give yourself a break. Try to forget your troubles even if only for an hour or so. That way, you do not exhaust yourself to the point when you no longer have enough strength to face the challenges of the coming day. Reserve some of your strength until you can make it through.
3. Take comfort in a friend’s love and strength.
Those who knew the torment of pain and have survived from it understand the comfort of knowing someone is there listening to you, someone who understands you and all those hurts you’re going through. Someone who doesn’t judge you or condemn you, just someone who loves you and trusts you.
Some people may find this comfort in a family or a trusted friend. In my case, I have also found it in God. It may be quite ironic, but I have found my greatest joy in the arms of my God in my darkest hour.
I felt him hugging me, comforting me, crying with me. He didn’t just watch me. He didn’t scold me to get up and be strong and stop being such a fool. He cried with me. He knew my pain and he claimed it as though it were His own.
For those who do not share the same belief, you may instead seek a loved one who can give you their warm presence. If you can find such a person who can console you, this is the time to receive his or her care.
4. Bear the pain and be patient.
This seems to be the hardest part of all. Pain is pain and suffering is suffering. There is no pill or any kind of painkiller that we can take to prevent us from feeling our hurts. We have to bear it head-on and cling to the thought that things will change for the better.
I have deep sorrow today and an unclear vision of the future. But nobody ever died of loneliness — only of hopelessness! As long as I have hope, no problem is ever too difficult, no night so dark that it can prevent the rising of another day!
There are times when we are so lost in the dark that no matter how hard we try to find our way, we can’t find the roads we’re looking for; no matter how desperately we seek, we can’t grasp the answers, and we continue to grope in the dark.
Take heart, however; stand firm and strong, for it will not be long. The night is short and the voices will soon fade away. Darkness shall falter and surrender to a brand new day.
5. When it is time, stop dwelling on the pain
There are times when the pain finally subsides, and we are given a chance to move on a notch higher. Finally, we have the chance to break free from our pain.
The problem, however, is that many of us choose to cling to our hurts. We let the pain linger longer than they should. Maybe we got so used to it, we don’t know anymore what we’re going to do without it. Maybe we feel mad at ourselves and we choose to punish ourselves for the things we thought we did wrong. Maybe we’re mad at someone else and we want to punish him by punishing ourselves.
Whatever it is, it will not help you find your path to living the full life you should be living. Let it go. Let go of your pain and move on.
6. Live from day to day. Or if that is too long, from moment to moment.
Some wounds take a longer time to heal than others, and some hurts take a while longer to subside. The important thing is that we stay afloat one day, one moment at a time.
Don’t think of how hard the whole process is going to be. Don’t think of all the lonely days ahead of you. They haven’t even arrived yet! Just think of the moment. If you can live and make it for the moment, that is all that is needed to make it through.
7. Learn everything I can from the process.
When we’re in pain, we seldom realize what lessons we can learn from the process. Though it is quite understandable why we do not give attention to things like that in times of grief, the truth remains that we do learn many things during our darkest hour.
It is a time when all the lessons we have ever learned are being challenged in an instant. It is a time when we come to realize what we value the most in life. It is a time when we get to understand other people better. Let us take advantage of those times when we see things more clearly than we ever saw them before.
8. Protect my joy at all times.
This may not be an easy thing to process, but I believe that joy and sorrow can exist at the same time.
Yes, we are hurt. Yes, we’re broken. But yes, we know we’re going to make it. And yes, we know we’ll get out of it better persons than we used to be. Somewhere in our hearts, there is a chamber of joy that should remain intact, untouched, forever guiding us in our most troublesome paths.
It is indeed a painful thing to grow, but afterward, you will be glad that you have undergone the process. You will feel stronger. You will feel like you have just been released from your self-made prison.
You will carry the warmth of those who have loved you and comforted you in your darkest hour. You will have greater confidence as you learn more about your true beauty and strength. And you will move forward in life with greater strides knowing that the things which have caused you pain could no longer touch you and torment you the way they did before.
Grieving? How do you get through the loss of a loved one? Where do you find the inspiration to carry on? When my grandfather died, the first question that crossed my mind was, “Shall we ever, as a family, be able to smile again?
He was a very kind man, a sweet and loving man who also happened to be a retired Captain of the Armed Forces of the Philippines, a proud veteran of the USAFFE in World War II. I loved him – very much, and regarded him as my very own father. He used to carry me up his shoulders when I was but a little girl. I never saw him mad. He was always calm and gentle, but with that certain kind of strength in him that never needed to be boasted about anymore. Maybe this kind of admiration was the source of my childhood dream of being a lady cadette officer. Well, I didn’t realize that dream, but in my heart I knew I’ve acquired that kind of courage he had, and it sort of stayed with me through the years.
I also admired the kind of love he cherished with my Grandma. Something that lasted for fifty golden years, the 50th year being the year of his demise. I often told myself that theirs was the kind of marriage I fervently pray to have – simple, sincere, lasting, abounding in love, courage and understanding. The day my Grandpa died, my heart broke, not only for my own grief, but for the grief of seeing such a blessed marriage come to a sudden end right before my eyes.
How indeed are we going to go about our lives after his passing? How do you let go? How do we spend our late evenings without his stories? How do we celebrate Christmas without his jolly smile? What do you do when you grieve the loss of a loved one?
The seat he occupied at dinner will remain vacant thereafter. The sight of him and Grandma embracing each other after a petty quarrel will be nothing more but a sweet memory to look back to. Living through loss, healing, letting go, those words seemed so distant before it happened in your own life.
The funny thing was, I never really considered him old. He had always been strong and healthy and happy. I thought he’d always be there, for me, for my Grandma, for everyone who has ever gotten to know the wonderful person he is. But I guess death is like that. It takes from you in an instant the people you’ve cherished for a whole lifetime. Just like that. As simple as that. And you are suddenly left with two things: anger for having been deprived of your beloved for no reason at all; and emptiness, a vacuum that gnaws right at your heart where all the joyful moments once had been.
And how will it be for people who have lost not only their fathers, but mothers, children, both parents, lifetime partners who spent their lives through thick and thin, who dreamt together and journeyed together and found meaning in each other’s lives?
How are we to begin grieving for them? Where could we ever find the tears to weep, tears that will pour out and cry in behalf of our torn and shattered hearts?
1. Cry
Find those tears. Try to let them out however painful the process is. Let them out. Let them pour showers that will cleanse away every bit of darkness and bitterness from your heart.Shy not from crying out aloud. You have every right to be heard, and all the right to be hurt. No one’s going to stand in your way even if you wail.
Let your cries rise up to the clouds, unto the ears of heaven who understand what sorrow mortal men go through in this valley of tears.Cry for the pain of parting. Cry for the sad mornings that will greet you without your lover’s arms. Cry for the words that shall remain unspoken and unheard. Cry for the places you will never be able to walk together anymore. Cry for the dreams that will remain as dreams. Cry for the memories that will remain as memories. Cry for the hand that can no longer caress you. Cry for those eyes that can no longer see your tears.Cry your heart out. Because the truth is – it hurts, and it really hurts so much!
2. Forgive
There are many things we don’t want to admit in times like these; things we believe would only dishonor the memory of our loved one, or things that would dishonor us before their memory. But unless we deal with these things, we would always be burdened by things that should have been buried with passing of our loved ones. a. Forgiving our loved ones. People are not perfect. No matter how much we love them or no matter how good they are, they may have hurt us at one point or another. They may have judged us and disappointed us. We have to admit how they failed us, and then forgive them with a forgiveness that comes out of the generosity of our hearts. We know that we do not have time anymore, we can no longer wait for them to see their faults and ask our forgiveness.
So we forgive them. We let them go with no bitterness in our hearts.b. Forgiving ourselves. When our loved ones pass away, there is always a feeling of guilt left in us – how we haven’t loved them enough, how we could’ve saved them, how we could’ve made them happier. But when we come to think of it, how much more could we have really done though? Even if we could’ve made a difference, could we be able to turn back the hands of time?Forgive yourself. Admit your faults, go to confession, slap your face hard, observe fasting for a week, shave your head even! But don’t punish yourself forever for being unable to make the proper retribution. You can no longer do that. It’s not your fault anymore. Blaming yourself could never earn for you the forgiveness you so desire. If you can’t be content in praying for forgiveness alone, if you really believe you still have to do something to be forgiven, then do this – love those people still within your reach. Do this, and you’d have earned more than forgiveness; you’d have loved. Love heals. Love forgives.
3. Deal with the pain one day at a time
Grieving for our loved ones who passed away is probably one of the most painful things we’d experience in life. Deal with it one short day at a time. Don’t think of the whole 25 or 50 years ahead of you. Just think of today, and of all the support being given you just where you are. It is times like these when we get to know who our true friends are, people willing to extend their hands and their hearts to help see you through. Accept the help given you, and you’ll make it through today.
4. Honor/ treasure their memory
Many people will suggest to you to move on, which is a fine thing. In the process though, they may also urge you to forget all about the past, and start letting go. Now letting go is not such a bad thing, it could mean giving up all our unrealizable expectations and all of the things we cannot do anymore. But to forget all things completely – to do so would be to start cheating on our true feelings for our beloved who passed away.We can’t just act like we had amnesia all of a sudden.
We can’t pretend that the things that happened didn’t happen, and that the precious moments we’ve spent with our loved ones don’t mean anything to us anymore. Something happened in the past. Souls touched in the past. Lives changed. Souls were inspired.Our grief is only amplified with the thought that we are forever parting with every remaining essence of our loved ones. That’s what makes our mourning even worse, to believe that we are forever losing that part of our lives that changed us and made us happy. Don’t throw it all away. When inspiration comes upon you, they need not leave. They never leave. They inspire us forever.
When my Grandpa died, I thought it was the end of the wonderful love he had with Grandma. But I was wrong. It did not end there. It cannot be ended that way. Up to this moment, I am still a witness on how true love is kept alive in the hearts and minds of those who carry on the radiance of its warmth.
5. Think of the legacy they left behind
I’ve always thought that when our loved ones go away, they take a part of ourselves with them. It’s like a part of us withers away and dies. We feel like an arm or a leg had just been taken away and we can never be whole again. We feel we are lesser people than we used to be. We then wonder why people had to meet at all only to be separated in the end, only to feel broken and incomplete.
But then I’ve also learned that when people become part of each other’s lives, their lives become richer from the whole new world opened before them by one another. They gain a new perspective, they get a deeper understanding of themselves, they learn new skills and hobbies, they discover new places, they get to love a new song. Each one leaves a mark, a precious legacy, a part of their very selves to the people they love.
I don’t know if any grief counseling teaches you this, that even after their lives together had ended, even after one has gone and passed away, that part they have given to us will remain. Because when people become a part of us, a part of their own souls remain in us, forever enriching us, and we are never the same as before.
“What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.”-Helen Keller
My Grandpa had been gone for 16 years now, but the things he left me, the imprint he left in my soul will always be there, guiding me through my journey ahead. Love of country, courage, dignity, love of family – these are the things I will always be thankful for.
6. Schedule activities that help vent out your emotions
You cried, you wept, you wailed. You’re undergoing a grief so deep from your loss. But as you miss your loved one more painfully with the passing of each day, you feel the emotions within you continue to surge, emotions that need to find a proper outlet to let go.
Schedule those activities with a friend that will encourage you to perform them:
-Play badminton, let go of all the hurts you feel everytime you hit the shuttlecock. Hit it hard! Hit it as far as you can.
-Run the treadmill. Everytime you feel the urge to escape, walk tirelessly. Walk like you never walked before. Run. Run and release the pain you keep within you.
-Swim, imagine your tears being washed away. Do your most powerful strokes, and glide away from all the expectations the world thrusts upon your shoulders. Just make sure a trusted friend and lifeguard is watching over you, okay?
-Grab a crayon and a sketch pad. Draw the abstract feelings you can’t and don’t want to decipher at the moment. Draw in hard wild strokes. Then tear the sheet in pieces. Do everything within your power to find those shreds of inspiration that can keep you going on. It would make your healing more bearable, believable.
7. Replenish your soul
Once the strong feelings begin to subside, replenish your soul with activities that promote peace, wholeness and a fresh beginning.
-Plant a seed and watch the new plant emerge from the ground from which it was buried.
-Take care of a chick and help it grow into a hen. You can even enjoy the eggs she will lay for you later!
-Watch a sunrise with a trusted buddy. See how darkness transforms into a magnificent rising of a brand new day.
-Travel somewhere you’ve never been to. Get to know the locals and try to enjoy their way of life.
8. Give yourself time to adjust and recover
It will take time for you to carry on your usual routines each day. Just be patient with yourself. One day survived is one day of battle won. The more days you survive, the more confidence you will gain that you will make it.
If it’s really difficult for you, you can try to write letters to your loved one as though you were only miles away.
This will help you cope with the abrupt change of suddenly not being able to talk with your loved one. This will also help keep your life in check as you literally report what you’re doing with your life.
9. Think of the legacy you wish to leave behind
The torch has been passed on to you. Your life has been made richer by the legacy you received. What do you do now with what you have? What legacy do you want to leave behind to the people that matter most to you now? Remember that you are now a different person by having been a part of someone’s life. Everything you do, any difference that you make in this life is not only because of you, but also because of the one who loved you. When you leave your mark unto this world, you leave a mark formed also by every person that truly touched your life.
10. Believe that God will see you through
God knows your grief. He weeps with you. He hopes with you. He cares for you so much that He willingly died for you to conquer death forever and to give you the perfect and eternal life He wants you to enjoy. Things have not ended here. They have only just begun. Take heart! He will see you through. It is Jesus Himself who said, “The girl is not dead but asleep.” (Matthew 9:24)
When my Grandpa died, I used to doubt whether we can still smile again, now I know the answer: WE CAN.
Grief, particularly the sadness of grieving the loss of a loved one, is one of the darkest hours we could ever experience. It is something that goes beyond our comprehension, something so devastating it destroys the most beautiful dreams we have ever had with and for our beloved ones.
How does one go on after such a loss? How does one survive the empty vacuum our loved ones have left behind? Is there any valid meaning we could possibly attribute to death?
Let this book be like a comforting friend for you, someone who knows just how painful it is to experience what you’re going through. I may not be physically with you, but through this book’s comforting words, may you be hugged with a warmth that reaches your heart, soothing the aches within, whispering words of hope and of a renewed sense of connection with that part of you that seemed to have been suddenly lost.
I came to a very good realization this morning. I realized that there is one thing that’s missing in me, and that is the determination to reach my dreams. It’s true that I’ve been trying very hard in finding ways and means to realize my life goals, but trying hard isnt the same as being sufficient, trying hard isnt helping you keep your hopes alive when you meet one disappointment after another.
Sooner or later you’ll be exhausted, sooner or later you’ll give up. It’s as though you’re merely trying out your luck in the lottery, and when you don’t win, you say that at least you’ve tried, but it was just not meant for you, you weren’t lucky enough. But luck is truly not the question, for luck is not the same as destiny. And destiny can only be reached with a firm “resolve”.
When I studied hard to make it through college for instance, I didn’t just say I will try my best, and see where it gets me. I told myself that I will finish my studies whatever happens, whatever it takes! Whether I have enough money or not, whether the subjects are difficult or easy, I’m going to do it, and nobody’s stopping me. Destiny is like that. Its when you say to yourself that this is what you really want and you will never ever stop until you make your dreams come true!
“Determination as key to success” was written by HIYAS at ITAKEOFFTHEMASK.COM