“It’s not that easy. Loss needs to be experienced. It should be felt in all it’s beautiful and horrible ways. When your heart is shredded like fraying fabric and dangling in pieces, the scotch tape method isn’t going to work long term. Careful stitching and honest grieving is necessary to put things back into place. Maybe not perfectly, but at least in a way so you can breathe again.” – Chelsea Tolman, Speaking of The Dead
Chelsea Tolman’s book “Speaking of The Dead” is a personal account of her experiences as a mortician and a funeral director. Though this may sound scary to most people, I can assure you that this book is not about that. It is about the most touching encounters with real people who are undergoing the toughest times. It is about hiding your own tears so that you can allow others to grieve for those whom they have lost. It is about discovering more about life as we learn more about death.
What is death? It is something we try to avoid thinking about for as long as we possibly can. It is something that scares us, not only because we know so little about it but because we know it is real and it will certainly come. Reading this book, however, enables us to see that there is more to death than our fears. There is more to death than the gory scenarios often shown by the media. Reading the book, we learn that even in death, there can be compassion, kindness and respect. Even in death, we are human beings still fully capable of receiving love.
This is what I liked most about the book. This certain sense of the “sacred” as she treats the body of the dead. To her, the body, even of dead persons, are not mere objects to be discarded, exploited or disrespected. People need to be taken care of, to be valued for their dignity, whether they are alive or they have already passed away.
As we read further, we can see how Chelsea treats the dead in a very personal way. She doesn’t just see a dead person who needed to be treated in a generic kind of way. She sees them for who they are: a man, a girl, a person with a unique past, a different personality, a special story.
We see that a job as a mortician or a funeral director is not a mere job to earn money. It is an opportunity to be of real service to those who are in their darkest hour. It is a mission and a vocation that we can only seem to appreciate when we get to that place of mourning and painful loss. If we can only imagine this now, we’d have learned a very important lesson: the value of life and the time given us.
As Chelsea narrates the story of each family that has lost a loved one, I found it harder and harder to hold back the tears from my eyes. Their story could have just been my story. To be able to see through their eyes is to be able to see our own griefs, and maybe, our own regrets when the time comes.
With the wisdom imparted by this book, may we have fewer of these regrets, or better yet, none at all. May we have the wisdom that comes from knowing life is sacred, time is priceless, and we must use both to the very best we could while we still possess them.
In the end, we’d get to realize that love is all there is. From the very beginning of life to the very end, and even beyond that. Love is all we have. And if we can love much, we can live a full and truly meaningful life.
I recommend this book to those who want to face their fear of death, to those who would like to see how people of varied traditions express their reverence for the ones they lost, and to those who simply want to learn more about the mystery and the value of the human soul.
Chelsea has not only succeeded in capturing the personal experience of a mortician and funeral director. She has also brought to light our deepest griefs, our greatest fears, and the unspeakable power that enables us to rise above them as we discover what it truly means to be human and what it truly means to love.
The thing about hope is that it’s a positive force that shines the most when it’s dark. When everything’s going well, we hardly notice it’s there. But when things go against us, when our dreams fade and when we see no immediate reprieve from our troubles, that’s when hope does its best work for us.
"Where Hope Can Be Found"