When we lose a loved one, whether by a broken relationship or by unexpected death, the most difficult part we experience is the vacuum of loss we feel in our hearts.
All of a sudden, a very significant part of our life, maybe the biggest or most important part is taken away. There is no immediate replacement. What we have left is just a BIG VOID, an empty space, a black hole we cannot understand. We feel hallow, like our hearts have suddenly been taken away.
Our problems therefore are two-fold:
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Lack of anything to look forward to for the next day and for the many many days to come.
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No person to share with our thoughts, our dreams, our trivial problems, our discoveries, the funny experiences we have from day to day.
For the one thing that changed, that became absent in our life, everything else seems to have changed as well, everything was BROKEN.
I will not say that there is a magic formula. But I will try to suggest some things that could help. Do note however that the following only applies at the point of total loss or separation, where nothing could ever be done to remedy the situation. For breakups that need to be thought about, for relationships that need to be healed, for situations that need to be fought with all your strength and with everything you have, do not apply this yet. Thou can live with loss, but thou shalt not live with regret.
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DON’T THINK ABOUT IT
I know, I know. That’s technically impossible. But consider this. Haven’t you spent a single day without the company of your loved one? Haven’t you been to a vacation without him? How did you feel then?
True, you may have missed them. But you didn’t suffer as much as you do now. You may have even enjoyed your time alone, that certain space and freedom.
The only difference is this: PERSPECTIVE. Whereas before, you knew you’d see them again, right now you’re burdened by a future of emptiness you see before you.
Don’t think about that future yet. Don’t think of the hundreds of days ahead that haven’t even arrived.
Spend the day as you would as though all these didn’t happen. It’s hard, it will take all your willpower. But it can be done.
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DISTRACT YOURSELF
Many people might say that this sounds like an escape mechanism, and I agree. But people who say it may not know how it is to really feel lost, empty and left all alone. They don’t know how dark and painful it is in there and how any measure of light, even a flicker, could help you carry on.
Find as much distraction as you can to keep your mind from focusing on your loss. Focusing on such loss will not lead you anywhere but to further despair, especially when you’re not yet strong enough.
One day at a time, try to survive the day, the hour, the minute, without your beloved.
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REALIGN
Even escape mechanisms has its limits, an expiration date. Even the most skillful cannot fool themselves forever. When that time comes, you’ll know that its time to realign.
For quite a time now, you were able to survive many days without your beloved. You have lived through empty days and you have filled your days with something else. They have not fulfilled you. But they have witnessed your survival.
Without being aware of it, the first steps of realignment have been made. Think about the following perspectives:
FIRST PERSPECTIVE
I love this person. I spend each day with him. I share with him my dreams, my happiness, my hurts, my experiences.
SECOND PERSPECTIVE
I love this person. I no longer spend each day with him, but as though like a prayer, I still share with him my deepest and most treasured emotions.
REALIGNMENT. Some things change. Yet some things remain. LOVE REMAINS.
In many situations, we can use this very important tool to help us adjust and still keep what’s worth keeping.
When kids grow up, our relationship with them changes. Yet they’re still our children, our love. But where before we could cuddle them anytime, now it suffices to know they’re raising good families of their own.
Our friends too, may make moves that take them to far distances. They may take jobs elsewhere. Yet even these could not truly take away our friendship. We can still share with them our thoughts, dreams, hurts and achievements. And they will rejoice or weep with us just the same.
Where distraction merely avoids the issue of our loss, realignment brings us to the right perspective, to the TRUTH.
Without it, we may believe HALF-TRUTHS only and be overwhelmed. And what is this half-truth? The half-truth given us during a loss is this: That we have LOST EVERYTHING. It is a half-truth because nothing is every truly lost. We might have lost SOMETHING, a physical presence perhaps, the ability to hold their hand whenever we desire. But they have left us with SOMETHING, too. Their memory, their love, their soul. Something that has truly been a part of us can never ever be taken away. We carry that something with us, always, wherever we may go.