My Lord, whose child am I? At times I think I am neither my father’s nor my mother’s. and if I do not belong to any of them, to whom do I truly belong? My life is as shattered as my identity, my heart as broken as my home. Always do I seek for something yet always do I also fail to find what I’m looking for. I am like a vagabond that travels from place to place never finding rest, a bird that flies from one distant land to another, never ever finding its own nest to lay.
Lord, there’s been so much pressure in the office lately, sometimes I just want to run away from it all. The things that I do now, I do so only because I don’t know what else I should be doing. All these years I’ve been the one responsible, the one my family had counted upon to build and uphold our home. Yet things have changed somewhat since then. Changes I’ve always wanted to take place. Somehow however, after all the dreaming and after all the planning and striving, and after all the dreams that came true, I don’t really feel much better or much happier than I thought I would be. Something seems to be missing. Something that I might have lost unknowingly along the way.
Lord, I thank you for such a wonderful opportunity to play a part in these children’s lives. I thank you for the honor of being a second parent to them, helping them out in shaping their minds and in enlightening their hearts. I want to teach them everything they need to know and equip them with everything they need so they can face life prepared, willing and able to live their lives to their fullest potential.
My Lord, you know how hard I tried to break free from this habit that controls me. You know how hard I tried to resist this alcohol abuse, this momentary pleasure whose price I cannot afford to pay. I tried so hard my Lord, but I have failed you over and over and over again. Because everytime my loneliness haunts me, everytime my fears arouses panic within me, everytime I’m hurt and confused and I don’t know what to do, everytime I’m miserable deep inside and I need real help, I run to the bottle that has long been my sole friend and savior. I run to the bottle instead of running unto you.
How I wanted to run to you, but it seemed so much easier to reach for the bottle than to reach out my hand to you. It seemed so much easier to escape, to numb my senses as though I were already dead. It seemed so easier to pretend nothing’s wrong, to act out courage at times when I have so much fear within me. I thought that by trying to run away, I can forget my troubles. I thought that by numbing my senses, I can completely escape from the pain.
But O, how wrong was I indeed! For in exchange for brief moments of forgetfulness, my troubles return with twice the problems I already had. In exchange for brief moments of relief, I end up hurting myself more and those that I love so much. How can I even take back the curses I gave my children? The hurt I’ve allowed my wife to suffer? How can I ever respect the man who has allowed himself to be enslaved for a few moments of illusion and relief? There is no real relief except that which comes from courageously facing one’s problems. There is no real salvation except that which comes from a true change of heart.
Help me O Lord, that I may break free from this habit that enslaves me. Let me not exchange my royal heritage for a mere glass of wine. Save me from the monster I become whenever I fail to recognize the child of God that lives in me. Indeed, you have not given me a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power to overcome my troubles, of love to be responsible for the lives of those whom I touch, and of a sound mind filled with wisdom, capable of choosing the things of eternal worth over the things that will not last. It will not be an easy task, and I know that I will die for every cup of wine I will refuse with my thirsty flesh. But I dare to reclaim my soul O God. I dare to drink from the well of salvation from which I shall never thirst again.
My Lord, you know how I’ve always sought your Holy Wisdom. You know how I’ve studied your words night and day. You know how I take delight in the presence of your altar, how in solitude I whisper the cries of my heart, how I listen to words that give me life. You know too how I yearn to share your Peace and your Salvation. All these years I have faithfully preached your words. All these years I have fervently prayed for those who were lost. You have blessed me indeed by being your instrument of Grace and you have honored me as you performed countless miracles before my very eyes. How glad am I to be the one you’ve chosen, how proud to be under the banner of your Victorious Hand. I’ve always been sure of those victories and I yearned for each coming glory as I’ve yearned for the breath of life.