Why Healing Sometimes Requires Separation and Isolation

We often complain that it is because we have been separated from those we love that we need to be healed.   The truth however is that oftentimes, we don’t even know we’re already wounded even before we got torn away from those we loved.  Go d has allowed such a separation to take place in order that He might heal us from those wounds.

Why do we need to be isolated in order to be healed?

When a doctor needs to perform a critical operation upon his patient, he needs time alone with the patient in order to perform that operation. He needs to isolate the patient even from his relatives and friends because they would only serve as distractions that might only interrupt the operation and hence, endanger even the life of the person they love.

The same is true with us whenever God wants to deal with us personally and heal our most deep-seated wounds.  He takes us away from the people and things we have normally leaned on to.  He takes us alone with Him, where we could only hear His voice, the only voice that truly mattered and that could bring about the healing of our wounds.

Which is God’s Voice?

Without such an isolation, we just get confused with the noise of the other voices around us telling us what we should and shouldn’t be doing.  These people may have the best of intentions for us, but they don’t know how to address our wounds, our hurts.  What happens is that they may even cause us more pain with the words they’re saying.  They may also project their own fears at us, infecting us with their own anxieties.

The more authority such people have over us, the more influence they will have upon our decisions.  Parents, teachers and employers hold such powers over us that it’s not easy to ignore what they’re saying.

Those closest to us, especially our life partners also hold a very significant influence upon us.  At times, we regard their opinion as something that almost equals God’s opinion, or in such a way that God’s opinion almost fades away in the background.

This is one reason why we often find it so difficult to remove certain beliefs we have about ourselves even after the separation.  At the back of our minds, we still hear their voices, and we still look at things using the perspective they have made us believe to be right.  It’s well and good if what we remember are the things that uplift us and support us.  But what about in cases of abusive relationships or where the other partner has battered us with words that severely damaged our self esteem?

In our minds, we still hear them saying how disgusting we are, or how weak we have always been.  What’s worse is that we continue to believe such words to be true!

It’s not always easy to accept this, and separation always brings about some kind of pain.  But there are times when some things need to be taken away from us so we could have the chance to be healed and to grow.  Some things need to be removed first from our lives to give way for other things that would greatly benefit us and give us joy.

Not all separation is permanent.  There are relationships that are restored in time, when the people involved have already grown and healed.  When such a restoration takes place, we’d be grateful for everything God has done for us, for isolating us for a while so we can later on enjoy the fruits of His guidance and of His healing.

Below is a story of how God isolates us sometimes so He can work wonders in our lives:

The Widow’s Olive Oil

The wife of a man from the company of the prophets cried out to Elisha, “Your servant my husband is dead, and you know that he revered the LORD. But now his creditor is coming to take my two boys as his slaves.”

Elisha replied to her, “How can I help you? Tell me, what do you have in your house?”

“Your servant has nothing there at all,” she said, “except a small jar of olive oil.”

Elisha said, “Go around and ask all your neighbors for empty jars. Don’t ask for just a few.  Then go inside and shut the door behind you and your sons. Pour oil into all the jars, and as each is filled, put it to one side.”

She left him and shut the door behind her and her sons. They brought the jars to her and she kept pouring.  When all the jars were full, she said to her son, “Bring me another one.”

But he replied, “There is not a jar left.” Then the oil stopped flowing.

She went and told the man of God, and he said, “Go, sell the oil and pay your debts. You and your sons can live on what is left.”

2 Kings 4:1-7

 

Imagine if the widow did not shut the door behind her while she was pouring oil into the jars.  Her neighbors and friends could have come and asked what she was doing.  Even if she tells them her reason for doing so, they would have doubted her and told her how foolish and impossible it was.  They would have made a joke out of it, or even called her crazy.  In turn, the widow could have been influenced by their lack of faith. She would have doubted what the prophet Elisha told her to do, and having lost faith, God’s wonderful miracle that could have provided for her family would have been blocked.

Has God isolated you and separated you from something or someone you’ve always leaned upon? Take heart, for He may just be waiting to surprise you with His healing and His miracles.

 

“If you return to me, `I will restore you

so you can continue to serve me.

If you speak good words rather than worthless ones,

you will be my spokesman.

You must influence them;

do not let them influence you!

They will fight against you like an attacking army,

but I will make you as secure as a fortified wall of bronze.

They will not conquer you,

for I am with you to protect and rescue you.

I, the Lord, have spoken!

Yes, I will certainly keep you safe from these wicked men.

I will rescue you from their cruel hands.” – Jeremiah 15:19-21

The above article “WHY HEALING SOMETIMES REQUIRES SEPARATION AND ISOLATION” is an excerpt from my e-book MEND MY BROKEN HEART:

(click image for preview)

“Mend My Broken Heart”

Read More…

WHY must things happen this way? How could I ever make it through this broken heart? And who will be there to help me so that I may know I AM NOT ALONE? Does God really care?

How to Handle Criticisms That Hurt You and Degrade Your Self-Esteem

Hurtful criticisms are like arrows that pierce us just where we’re most vulnerable at. If given by people closest to us, they hurt even deeper and echo at the back of our minds long after they’ve been said. What must we do to handle criticisms that hurt us and degrade our self-esteem?

1. Understand that not everything that people say against you is really about you. Oftentimes, it is more about themselves.

If you are familiar with the Bible story about Martha and Mary, you may recall how Martha criticized the action of her sister:

As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”

“Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” –Luke 10:38-42

It wasn’t because Mary was sitting at the feet of Jesus that Martha criticized her. It was because Martha was “worried and upset about many things”. Martha was afraid she will not be able to meet the expectations of Jesus and the disciples. Martha was also frustrated that even if she is already exerting so much in what she’s doing, nobody notices her efforts, not even Jesus! Maybe if Jesus just showed up where she was working and praised her for all she has done, Martha wouldn’t have asked for her sister’s help at all. She would have been satisfied claiming all the credits for herself! But that’s not the way it happened. She received no praise nor reward, and it was Mary who got the attention of Jesus by sitting and listening at his feet!

Imagine however how Mary must have felt when Martha criticized her infront of Jesus and all the disciples. Imagine hearing these words, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”

Martha not only demanded that you help her, you have just been reported to Jesus Himself! If you were Mary, some other words might have also echoed at the back of your mind, words like: how lazy and uncaring a sister you’ve been, how worthless and unreliable you are, or even how unworthy you are to even deserve to be in the presence of Jesus.

The truth stands however, as affirmed by Jesus Himself, that Martha’s criticism of Mary is not a reflection of Mary’s deficiencies, but of Martha’s own problems and concerns.

We don’t see things as THEY ARE, we see things as WE ARE. – Anais Nin

2. Remember that not all people filter out what they say and really mean what they say.

Not everyone is concerned about what they’re saying or even how they’re saying it. Not all people think first before saying something. As a result, they may say things that hurt other people, things they would later on regret or want to take back.

People are also not always concerned about how they may affect the feelings of other people. They think about themselves most of the time and may rarely have you in their agenda.

As such, remember to not always take things personally. People don’t always intend to cause you harm.

“Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.”- Proverbs 12

3. Learn to forgive others

No matter how people may try to be careful with the words they’re saying, there would come a time when they’d say things that doesn’t sound so pleasant, or even hurting to those around them. Nobody’s perfect, nobody’s able to do the right thing all the time. This is where forgiveness should come in. We should remember our human nature and our flaws, and learn how to move on from there.

I arise from the ashes of doubt, of depression and of
self-pity. I arise a new being –
strong, confident, beautiful and without limits!

4. Learn to identify what’s true and what is not about what is being said

There are some criticisms that could help us improve ourselves and see our blindspots. Our problem is that many of these criticisms contain other remarks that hurt us or are not always true. And because we are hurt, we try to disregard everything that’s been said. We must learn to identify the things that could help us improve ourselves and leave behind those things which have no basis at all.

I am no less of a person by flaws that you see in me;
I am no lesser for I am not those flaws. I know who I am,
my flaws and my strengths,
and there is no better person who can handle me but me.

5. Know that even at your worst day, God still accepts you and loves you as you are

There are some criticisms that hurt us because they contain some semblance of truth about our deficiencies and flaws, things we may be ashamed of or things that we’d rather not reveal for fear of not being accepted and loved.
Know that even at your very worst, God still loves you. His mercy and grace is greater than all your mistakes and deficiencies. His love for you is greater than all the weaknesses you see in yourself.

God does not take us only when we are lovable,
but moreso when we are most in need of love.

6. Know that you have the power to change and to be the best of who you are

Some criticisms seem to tell us how weak we are, as though we’re going to be like that forever. Remember that this is not true! Know that nobody needs to be stuck in their past forever. We can all move on and do something to steer our lives around for the better.

Have you seen a seed? Was it at all that attractive to you?
Wait awhile and see that seed grow. See it bear fruit,
see its flowers bloom. See? I’ve caught you by surprise!
I have just astounded you.

7. Know that you can discover and change your self-talk

There are some criticisms that trigger more hurtful thoughts within us, deeper wounds that have not yet been healed. The reason why some people seem to over-react to certain criticisms is because they are reacting to a far deeper pain, a pain triggered by the criticism just given.

We can discover these wounds by listening to our self-talk whenever we are being criticized. When somebody points out your mistake or says anything bad against you, what are you really hearing?

• I’m rejected, no one really loves me as I am.
• I’m worthless, no one appreciates the things I can do.
• I am being forced to do something against my will.
• A lot is being demanded of me whereas I couldn’t ask for enough help when I need it.
• I’m unprotected; anyone can just boss me around because no one is there to defend me.

Why are you hearing those words? Is it possible to replace them with other thoughts that are more supportive of your self-esteem?

• Instead of saying you’re rejected , say, “God loves me and accepts me as I am, even at my worst day, even if I did the gravest sins. His love for me is greater than all my weaknesses. He never rejects anyone who comes to Him.”

• Instead of saying you’re worthless, say, “God values me. Jesus died on the cross just to give me eternal life and happiness. “

God loves me, unconditionally. And for me,
He leaves the 99 sheep behind so He can find me
and make me realize just how much I matter,
just how much I am loved.

• Instead of saying, you are being forced to do something, say, “God has given me freewill. Nobody can force me to do anything against my will.”

• Instead of saying, you couldn’t ask for help, say, “Help will come when I need it. I need not always do things on my own, for God’s help is always there for the taking. I only need to receive by faith what is being given me.”

Heaven is knowing deep in your soul how you were
conceived and how you were bathed in loved. It is tapping
unto the endless reserve of mercy and grace when shadows
come looming over you.It is knowing that however great
the challenges ahead seem to be,
there is a Higher Power that will see you through.

• Instead of saying you’re unprotected, say, “God is making me stronger everyday to face the challenges coming my way. Where I am not strong enough, God will be my Defender against all those who want to cause me harm.”

There was a time when I couldn’t forgive myself,
that time when the burden of guilt was multiplied a hundred
times more by the world that knew nothing but condemn
those who are already down. But now is not that time,
for it has long come to pass. Now is the time of acceptance,
of love, and of believing in myself despite whatever
accusations others may try to pass against me.

Should You End a Relationship Even If You Still Love Each Other?

How Do I Know If He Really Loves Me?

If he really loves me, why is he cheating on me? If he really loves me, why is he afraid to commit to our relationship? And why does he keep on hurting me with words that humiliate me?

Our Definition of Love

Back when we were kids, we used to define love in our slam books and essays. We used to be so sure what it meant. When we grew up, so many people have shared their own definitions of it with us, and convinced us how wrong we were.

We were’nt realistic. We’re too idealistic! We’ve believed in fairytales for far too long.

Soon we no longer knew what love really is or if it even exists at all!

We Still Yearn For Love

Deep within howerver, we still yearned for love. We feel this ache in us, this emptiness that we strive to fill again and again with the wrong kinds of affection.

Signs of Love

How do we know if a person really loves us? Is it enough that he or she tells us so?

It is never enough to merely say it. Love is an active and powerful force that needs to be expressed, and that must be manifested in countless different ways. It may not be easy to define what love really is, but we can see the signs by which it makes itself visible:

1.  Respect

To be respected is to be valued as a person, and for our needs to be taken into consideration, especially those needs accorded to our dignity as human beings.

In my article “Why Is Respect Important In a Relationship?”, I’ve discussed in more detail why love and respect must always go hand in hand.

We can’t say somebody loves us if that person can’t even respect our feelings. If we are constantly ignored, or threatened or forced to do something against our will, respect is absent, and we should doubt the authenticity of the ‘love’ being offered us.

On the other hand, if our needs are taken at heart, and if we feel safe and protected, if we feel valued as a person, it is one indication that love may indeed be present or can be allowed to grow.

2.  Commitment

Another sign of love is the ability of the person to commit to the relationship. To be able to devote ourselves is to be able to give of ourselves to something we truly believe in, to something we value most of all.

Commitment is when the other person is willing to devote his time, effort and emotions into the relationship in order to protect it, to cherish it, and to make it grow.

One sure sign of what we value most in life is the time we spend in it. Is work most important to you? Then you must spend a lot of time in it. Are your friends valuable to you? Then you must hang out with them a lot. Is your garden important to you? Then you must spend a lot of time taking out the weeds and watering your plants. Is he devoted to you? Take a look at the time he spends with you. It’s not that he should have no other things to do but hang around with you, but sometimes it’s so obvious how he spends time with seemingly unimportant matters but refuses to spend time to make your relationship grow.

Commitment is a sign of responsibility. It’s something that separates those who just wants to have a good time from those who really seek a love that would last a lifetime.

3.  Faithfulness

Faithfulness is not only being loyal, but in being true.

Is your partner truthful to you, or is he lying most of the time? If he is concealing a lot of things to you, then trust can never be developed. If trust isn’t developed, love also falls apart. For how could you trust anyone whom you don’t really know? How can you believe in his words when he has misrepresented himself most of the time?

Being faitfhful to you means you’re not being treated as a mere object for fun or entertainment. It means you are not being used as a replacement for anybody else.

Faithfulness manifests purity of intention in a relationship, something that if carried consistently will deter painful relationship issues in the future such as cheating and betrayal.

 Respect, commitment and faithfulness. They seem like old words, but they’re never outdated. They help you find authentic love. They help you find the right people who will not play around with your feelings and then throw you away like trash later on. Look for these signs, and then look for their CONSISTENCY. We can still find what we’re looking for, we need only to look in the right places, and with the right kind of eyes.

The best partner in life is someone who will help us to love ourselves more! 😉

Why Is Respect Important In a Relationship?

I know that he still loves me, but why did I feel disrespected? Does it matter that I feel respected at all? Isn’t love more important than that?

Love and respect can never be separated in a relationship, especially in a romantic one. It is true that we can respect someone and not really love him, but we can never love anyone without also respecting them.

“Respect is love in plain clothes.”–Frankie Byrne

What Is Respect?

We’re able to define respect best in times when we feel we’re not respected:

• When we’re not recognized
• When we’re not allowed to be ourselves
• When our needs are taken for granted
• When we are judged and underestimated
• When we are forced or threatened
• When we’re not listened to when we have something to say
• When we’re treated as objects for use rather than as persons to be valued and loved

To be respected therefore, is to be valued as a person, and for our needs to be taken into consideration, especially those needs accorded to our dignity as human beings.

To love on the other hand, is to value another person in a more significant way than everyone else.  Hence, it must necessarily contain the ingredient of respect, which is the value we give to every person, no matter what our relationship with them may be.

What happens at times is that due to our familiarity and intimacy with people we have a relationship with, we forget to accord to them the respect we naturally give everyone else.

Why so?

Why do we fail to respect those to whom we’re in a closer relationship with?

It may be because we naturally expect them to know us and to understand us better and consequently, to also forgive us easier because they love us.

It may also be because we gave more importance to ourselves and we have come to the point when we’re no longer genuinely loving the other person for his/her good, but for our sake alone.  We have stopped treating them as persons and started treating them as objects we can use for our own happiness.

Why is it hard to continue a relationship with a person who doesn’t respect you anymore?

It’s very difficult to keep up a relationship with someone who no longer respects you because:

• Nobody wants to be used as an object and not treated as a person of dignity and worth.
• Trust will be affected because you cannot rely on a person who cannot give you your minimum needs for your dignity as a person.
• Meaningful communication will be hindered as you will no longer feel “safe” opening up your true feelings and thoughts to the other person.
• You will not be able to receive the care and affection you desire from the person, and you will also not be able to give it in turn because the other person who disrespects you will also neglect the true value of anything you may offer him, whether it be your words, your opinion or your expressions of love.  ( A person only takes that which he believes to be valuable and that which comes from a person he believes,values and respects.)
• The absence of respect also signifies the absence/decline of love in many areas of the relationship

To respect another person is to act in ways that will not harm the other.  Hence, when respect is lost, it’s so difficult to keep the relationship because people would naturally feel the need to protect themselves and avoid any harm.

This protection does not only refer to meeting one’s physical needs and avoiding physical harm.  This also refers to protecting the inner person, one’s feelings and emotions that are so vital in love.

What could harsh words do?

It’s important then to know what harsh words (disrespectful words) can do to a relationship.  If you think that words are harmless, you may have to think again because words are powerful!

Words convey the inner person’s feelings and thoughts.  Words can make or break a person.  And long after they’ve been uttered, they either live on to inspire us, or they echo curses at the back of our minds, haunting us with bitter memories and broken trusts.

“Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.”– Proverbs 12

 

“Righteous people know the kind things to say, but the wicked are always saying things that hurt.”-  Proverbs 10:32

 

Seek Respect As You Seek For Love

Many people are fooled into believing the other person loves them even if it is very evident that they are not being respected.  How could a person truly love you if he could not even respect you?

People in relationships should of course be able to have a common defintion of what respect is to them.  Many incompatibilities arise from not being able to define what respect really is.  There are subtle differences from each one’s perspective of respect, but there are also general manifestations of it and of its lack.  The most important thing is the other person’s intent.  Is his intention focused only on his own selfish desires, or does he take your growth and welfare into consideration?  Is he willing to make sacrifices for your love, or does he run away from the first signs of discomfort and difficulty?

“Certain people have a way of saying things that shake us at the core. Even when the words do not seem harsh or offensive, the impact is shattering. What we could be experiencing is the intent behind the words. When we intend to do good, we do. When we intend to do harm, it happens. What each of us must come to realize is that our intent always comes through. We cannot sugarcoat the feelings in our heart of hearts. The emotion is the energy that motivates. We cannot ignore what we really want to create. We should be honest and do it the way we feel it. What we owe to ourselves and everyone around is to examine the reasons of our true intent… My intent will be evident in the results.”-Thurgood Marshall

If you are looking for one sure sign that a person loves you, always begin with RESPECT.  With respect, you are valued as a person of dignity, your physical and emotional needs are protected, and your best interest is always taken at heart!

“Respect is what we owe; love, what we give” – Philip James Bailey

 

“The best thing to give to your enemy is forgiveness; to an opponent, tolerance; to a friend, your heart; to your child, a good example; to a father, deference; to your mother, conduct that will make her proud of you; to yourself, respect; to all men, charity.” -Benjamin Franklin