Category: Words of Wisdom

Where Is Your Guilt Coming From?

 

What I have in common with the character in ‘Truman’ is this incredible need to please people. I feel like I want to take care of everyone and I also feel this terrible guilt if I am unable to. – Jim Carrey

Where Is Your Guilt Coming From?

Whenever we feel that certain remorse for doing something bad, we’re either measuring our behavior based on our own standards, or we’re allowing other people’s standards to question our own beliefs on what is right and what is wrong.

Though we do have to be firm with our own standards of goodness, the perspective of other people on the matter do provide us with periodic checks that help us validate our own moral code.  Have we been overlooking something which other people see?  What are some of the blind spots we need to address in our own conscience?

Without guilt, this world would be a more dangerous place to be, filled with people with no remorse whatsoever for all the harmful things they’ve done, unaffected even by the pleas of other people who got hurt and damaged along the way.  Just think of the psychopaths who can get away with mass murder without flinching a bit.  It’s frightening to even imagine such a world where conscience and guilt do not exist.

Hard though it may be to accept, remember that guilt is sometimes a friendly internal voice reminding you that you’re messing up. – Marge Kennedy

We do mess up a lot of times, and we should be thankful for that internal voice guiding us so we could appropriately correct the wrong that we have done.

Setting Appropriate Boundaries

There are times however, when other people could use this same feeling of guilt in order to manipulate us, maybe not consciously, but in one way or the other, we’re influenced to an extent that is no longer healthy for us.

This is especially true for people who have great empathy for others, those who could feel other people’s pain as though it were their own.

When they say no to other people’s expectations, they feel that they have let those people down, and they feel guilty.

As a result, they’d rather sacrifice their own good just to avoid letting other people down.  They take on more responsibilities, they sacrifice their time, they spend all their energy until they get drained and feel exhausted.

What they fail to realize is that by hurting themselves, they also risk hurting other people in the long run!  Sooner or later, they’d feel so drained they’d have nothing left to give anymore.  What’s worse is when they get tempted to play the blame-game, blaming other people for making them do things they never wanted to do in the first place.

Let us be humble enough to acknowledge our own limitations and let us give other people the opportunity to be responsbile for themselves.  If we continue to do more than is necessary for other people, we may actually be hindering their growth and their ability to take care of their own selves.

True guilt is guilt at the obligation one owes to oneself to be oneself. False guilt is guilt felt at not being what other people feel one ought to be or assume that one is. R. D. Laing

While it may be true that we don’t want to let other people down, we can’t always be responsible for their own way of thinking.  They may think we’re refusing them something we have the capacity of giving them.  They may think we don’t care.  But only we could truly know how much we really care and how much we could give without sacrificing our own good.

Our Need For Approval

If we find it so difficult to set the necessary boundaries between our own and other people’s expectations of us, we may try to ask ourselves why we’re finding it so hard to do so.  Is it because in truth, we are relying on other people’s approval in order to validate our own self-esteem?  Whenever we’re not able to please other people, do we feel rejected as well?  Do we feel worthless?

If we become dependent upon other people’s approval in order to validate our own self worth, then even our own moral standards may become prejudiced in the end.  Why?  Because such standards will no longer be based on an impartial and independent set of measures we have set for our own lives.

Our guilt, in order to be a useful signal for our morality, should be based on a clear and firm foundation of values we truly believe in, not a mixed feeling triggered by our fear of rejection and our need for other people’s approval.  The next time you feel guilty, try to ask yourself, where is this guilt really coming from?

I’m not doing my philanthropic work, out of any kind of guilt, or any need to create good public relations. I’m doing it because I can afford to do it, and I believe in it. – George Soros

Why Is It So Hard To Be Perfect?

My child, you are broken. Unless you know that you are broken yourself, it will be severely laborious to love the broken people around you. You will be harsh and exacting towards them. But because you want others to like you, you will always attempt to hide your weaknesses from others. Let me strip away your masks, so that you may know who you really are. And when this truth sets you free, then shall you be free to genuinely love. Before this occurs, your love will be offered by the flask, not by the torrents of a river. –BoSanchez, Embraced

How does it feel like trying to be perfect all the time?

How does it feel like trying to always be the one person who understands, who cares about others, who gives and gives and yet receives nothing in return?

I’ll tell you how it feels like.  It’s tiring!  There are times when you feel as though you can’t even breathe anymore.  You can’t relax because you know you’re not allowed to make any mistake.  You feel afraid because once you do make one, you don’t know if you can still be forgiven and understood.

And it just feels so unfair.  Why are so many people being forgiven and loved after committing so many mistakes in their lives?  Why can’t I be loved like that?  Why can’t people be patient with me, too?

Trying to be perfect is like trying to do the impossible, and since we can’t accomplish it, we’re bound to be frustrated in the end.  We feel the rejection of other people because we first rejected ourselves.  After a while, we also begin rejecting other people because they can’t live up to the strict standards we have set for everyone.

Will God Reject Me Too?

God wants us to be perfect someday, but He knows the limits of our humanity at the moment, and that is why He has provided us MERCY.

If we could all attain perfection on our own, Jesus need not have been crucified for us.  But He knew we needed GRACE, and He decided to MEET us, not at our point of perfection, but at our point of pain.

There are times when the words I LOVE YOU seem to pale in comparison with the words I FORGIVE YOU.  Why?  Because there are times when the words I LOVE YOU could only stand for as long as you’re good enough, but the words I FORGIVE YOU have already dealt with your darkest sins and still finds the strength to look you in the eye and accept you as you are.

Love and Perfection

Love does not say,
“I am now PERFECT,
you can now LOVE me,”
for such makes love conditional
upon one’s perfection,
and makes the beloved proud and arrogant
instead of being full of gratitude.
Such a love evokes fear
for it is a love that can easily be lost
upon the slightest mistake
and upon the smallest sign
that the beloved is not worthy of one’s love.
Let those who yearn to know
what true love really is behold –
“I am wretched
but You have lifted me up and LOVED me.

The Parable of the Pharisee and the Tax Collector

Jesus also told this parable to people who were sure of their own goodness and despised everybody else.

Once there were two men who went up to the Temple to pray: one was a Pharisee, the other a tax collector. The Pharisee stood apart by himself and prayed, I thank you, God, that I am not greedy, dishonest, or an adulterer, like everybody else. I thank you that I am not like that tax collector over there. I fast two days a week, and I give you one tenth of all my income.

But the tax collector stood at a distance and would not even raise his face to heaven, but beat on his breast and said,  God, have pity on me, a sinner!  I tell you, said Jesus, the tax collector, and not the Pharisee, was in the right with God when he went home. For those who make themselves great will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be made great.
-Luke 18:9-14

You may also want to read: Where I Fit In

Where Is Our Joy In The Midst Of Our Sorrows?

Some of you say, “Joy is greater than sorrow,” and others say, “Nay, sorrow is the greater.”
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.– Kahlil Gibran

We seek for happiness all our lives.  We seek for it in things that bring us pleasure.  We seek for it in people who could love us and accept us for who we are.

When things go wrong however, that same happiness turns into grief, and we are heartbroken once again.  We ask ourselves, “Is happiness really that fleeting?”

A little voice within answers, “Yes, for happiness depends upon events and things that change.  If you want something that lasts, seek for joy instead.”

We ask in turn, “How can it be?  Can joy still exist even in my sorrows?”

I believe that joy and sorrow can definitely exist at the same time. Yes, we are hurt. Yes, we’re broken. But yes, we know we’re going to make it. And yes, we know we’ll get out of it better persons than we used to be.

Somewhere in our hearts, there is a chamber of joy that should remain intact and untouched, forever guiding us in our most troublesome paths.

“I have deep sorrow today, and an unclear vision of the future. But nobody ever died of loneliness – only of hopelessness! As long as I have hope, no problem is ever too difficult, no night ever so dark that it can prevent the rising of another day!”

The key to joy is hope.  It is the belief that the pain we’re suffering from at the moment cannot last forever and shall one day pass away.  It is a certitude that things are always turning out for the better, for our own good, because God is still in charge of our lives, and God will never let us down.

We rejoice then, not because we are wounded, but because we are in the process of being healed.  We rejoice not because we are experiencing tough times, but because we are being made stronger and braver than we used to be.

Where is joy then in the midst of all our sorrows?

 

1. JOY is in our hope that God’s Plans for us will come true, and it’s just a matter of time.

God has the best plans for us, and they will come true in due time.  For the meantime, we can relax and stop stressing ourselves over fears caused by our impatience, our envy and our lack of faith.

IMPATIENCE

Sometimes, it is not our current situation that really causes us stress.  It’s our impatience that things are not yet how we wanted them to be.  We want to be rich NOW.  We want to find our life partners NOW.  We want to be stronger NOW.

But there are things that require time.  An oak tree must start from a little seed.  A person must start out as a little baby.  A business empire must start out as a small enterprise.  And a soul must undergo many seasons of testing and pruning before it becomes holy and strong.

If we could only trust the process we’re going through, we’d feel less impatient, and more hopeful for the beautiful things coming our way.

ENVY

One reason why we want to have everything we want at the moment is that we envy other people who have already reached what we want to achieve in life.

It hurts our ego that we are not as blessed as others are.  We can’t accept that we’re still in the process of reaching for our dreams while others have already made theirs come true.

Oftentimes however, we do not know how many years those people spent before they were able to reach their current status in life.  We don’t know how many times they cried or how much pain and rejection they had to go through in order to be the successful people we now know them to be.

Let us trust God’s own process with us and let us not be impatient because we are certain to receive our rewards in due time.

LACK OF FAITH

The answer to what we’re praying for may already be on the way – a pending job application is soon to be approved, a potential life partner is just about to be met, an apology is to be accepted.  Yet even if these things are about to happen soon, if we don’t currently believe they could happen, we’d be in great misery and hopelessness for the moment.

If we could only believe that prayers are still answered, and it shall be answered in the right time, we’d be less anxious and more secure that the best things are already on their way.

When God says, let me take care of this, let Him. Don’t try to work your way for His blessings when He wants to shower you with His Gifts.

2. JOY is in our hope that whatever our current sacrifices are, it will redound towards the good of others.

There are times when our suffering is voluntary.  We know we’re doing certain things in order to help other people.  Times such as these, our joy rests in the vision we have of the good change our sacrifices will yield in the lives of other people.

There are three things we much remember so as not to lose our joy within our current difficulties:

OUR SUFFERING ISN’T MEANINGLESS

A lot of our troubles fade away whenever our difficulties take on some meaning.  What’s really difficult are those sufferings that don’t make sense for us, those that drain us with pain without any accompanying fruit commensurate to our hurts.  When you are making a certain sacrifice for another person, always remember the meaning of what you’re doing.  Are you working hard in order to send your children to school?  Are you trying to bear the loneliness of being away from your loved ones in order to give your family a better future?  Remind yourself always that your efforts are not in vain.

OUR SUFFERING WILL ONLY BE FOR A WHILE

We should also remember that our sacrifices would last only for a certain period of time. We may need to count several months or even years, but it doesn’t change the fact that the time will come also for our sufferings to end.

OUR SUFFERING WILL BRING A LASTING GOOD

Our difficulties are only for a moment, but they shall bring a lasting good for those we love.  We may need to work overtime for several years, but the reward could be the education of our children.  There is a lasting good in exchange for our momentary troubles, and this is what we should always keep in mind.

We are not here to be entertained, but to live a meaningful life that makes a lasting difference.

 

3. JOY is in our hope that God can and will transform us into the best that we could be.

We may not be happy with who we are today.  We may even feel ashamed of our weaknesses.  Our sorrow is that we have been rejected many times, and it came to a point when we may even reject ourselves.  We no longer feel worthy of being loved.  We can’t believe we’d ever be happy with ourselves, how could other people then be happy with us?

But that is not how God works.  God takes us in our weakness and transforms our shame into strength, our brokenness into a glory we could never even imagine.

We all want to be beautiful because we want to be loved.  In truth however, it is because God loves us that we become beautiful.

The Bible is filled with many stories of how God transformed a number of men from fear to courage, from cowardice into greatness.  That’s how God works, and that’s the source of our joy!

-JEREMIAH

They will fight against you like an attacking army,
but I will make you as secure as a fortified wall of bronze.
They will not conquer you,
for I am with you to protect and rescue you.
I, the Lord, have spoken!
Yes, I will certainly keep you safe from these wicked men.
I will rescue you from their cruel hands.” – Jeremiah 15:20-21

Such was God’s assurance to Jeremiah, imagine being compared to a fortified wall of bronze!

-GIDEON

Then the Lord’s angel came to the village of Ophrah and sat under the oak tree that belonged to Joash, a man of the clan of Abiezer. His son Gideon was threshing some wheat secretly in a wine press, so that the Midianites would not see him. The Lord’s angel appeared to him there and said,
The Lord is with you, brave and mighty man!

Judges 6:11-12

 

Gideon wasn’t at all being brave by threshing some wheat secretly and hiding from the Midianites (their enemy).  But it was God who willed to transform him into a brave and mighty man.

-JACOB

Fear not, you worm Jacob,
…I am the one who helps you, declares the LORD;
…Behold, I make of you a threshing sledge,
new, sharp, and having teeth;
you shall thresh the mountains and crush them,
and you shall make the hills like chaff;
you shall winnow them, and the wind shall carry them away…-Isaiah 41

 

Jacob was so weak he was even compared to a worm!  But see God’s message for him:  I make of you a threshing sledge,new, sharp, and having teeth. How different is a little worm that easily gets bruised and crushed from a sharp instrument which God has intended him to be.

Even the apostles of Jesus were all fearful when Jesus had been captured and crucified.  How different they have been after receiving the Holy Spirit of God.  They were transformed from men of fear to men of courage who were not afraid to proclaim Jesus’ message even if they are risking their very lives in bearing witness to His truth.

God transforms us and helps us become the best of ourselves.  In this we find hope, and our joy is made complete!

It is through the most difficult trials that God often brings us the sweetest discoveries of Himself.

God comforts us in our sorrows.  He gives us hope to carry us through even the darkest night.  Our happiness may have been lost, but our joy need never fade.  Joy should be kept safely in the innermost chambers of our hearts.

He has sent me to comfort all who mourn,

To give to those who mourn in Zion

Joy and gladness instead of grief,

A song of praise instead of sorrow.

Isaiah 61:2-3

Our weeping is but for a moment, but our joy shall last forever! Rejoice then and keep your hopes up, we are far more blessed than we believe.

A TIME FOR JOY

This may not be a time for dances,
but this is a time for prayer.
This may not be a time for clapping,
but this is a time for songs.

This may not be a time for merriment,
but this is a time for awakening.
This may not be a time for running,
but this is a time for rest.

This may not be a time for kisses,
but this is a time for hugs.
This may not be a time for laughter,
but this is a time for smiles.

This may not be a time for parties,
this may not be a time for noise,
But this is a time for healing,
and this is a time for joy!

What is the true meaning of a heartbreak? Does it really matter to know that you have been loved before you can let him go?

Many times, it is not the process of separating from your partner that’s hardest. What’s really difficult is the meaning we need to give to such a separation. What will all these mean for us? Why do we have to undergo so much pain?

There are so many questions at the back of our minds but we’re afraid to answer them for fear of not being able to face the meaninglessness of it all. As a result, we choose to hold on to the relationship however painful and unhealthy it has already become.

What are these questions we’re so afraid of? Rather, what are the answers we don’t want to find?

1.  That you have been rejected, and judged as “not good enough”.

Rejection is painful. It’s like being disposed of as trash, as though there’s nothing good or ever worth keeping in you.

When you experience a breakup, you can’t help but feel you were never good enough. What did you lack? What could you have done to prevent this? Why has he left you for another woman?

To be rejected is to have failed to measure up to the standards and expectations of the other person. To be rejected is to feel that you have not been loved at all!

But is this the real meaning of our feelings of rejection? Did we really fail to measure up to someone who is better than us? Are we really so repulsive and worthless as a person?

What Rejection Really Means

• Rejection does not always mean you were the one who failed to measure up to the standards of the other person. In reality, many people call for a breakup because they were the ones who felt they could never measure up to your standards.
• Rejection does not always mean your WHOLE BEING had been rejected. It may be that only one trait of yours was considered as incompatible with your partner’s character.
• Rejection does not always mean that the other person who replaced you as the third party is better than you. It could be that your ex merely found someone who is more compatible with him considering his values and interests.

And even if your partner declares you have been rejected because of another person who is better than you, it doesn’t mean he is right! Remember that there are always three sides to a story: your side, his side, and the right side.

To be rejected by someone doesn’t mean you should also reject yourself or that you should think of yourself as a lesser person. It doesn’t mean that nobody will ever love you anymore. Remember that only ONE person has rejected you at the moment, and it only hurt so much because to you, that person’s opinion symbolized the opinion of the whole world, of God.

In order to move on, you must develop your self-confidence and raise the self-esteem damaged by the rejection. You must have a firm belief in your own self worth, in your own beauty!

Further, rejection doesn’t mean you were never loved. He may have really loved you at some point in your relationship, but something happened and that love has not been taken care of and protected. It takes a lot of work and courage to continue loving, and many people don’t have the patience and the strength to persist in their love. People change as well, and the guy who is now hurting you wasn’t the same guy anymore who took your breath away.

2.  That you have been betrayed, and you have wasted your time, tears and effort for the wrong person.

To be betrayed is be slapped in the face a hundred times and after which, you still couldn’t believe he could do such a thing to you!

Why? How could he have done this after all that you’ve been through? These are but few of the questions you ask as you try to understand his reason for hurting you.

You then remember all those years you spent together: all those happy moments, and all those rocky times you were able to overcome. What’s the worth of it all now? All those wasted years you could have spent with someone who could have really loved you.

Wasted. Wasted laughters. Wasted tears. Wasted love.

That’s how badly you felt. And yet, is love ever wasted? Where does love go when it gets sent to the wrong person?

No matter how broken and betrayed you may feel right now, know that love is never wasted. To be able to love another person is to be blessed with an opportunity to know the meaning of life, the real value of our existence. It’s not the one who has loved the wrong person who has truly lost something. It’s to be given authentic love and not receive it that is the greatest misfortune.

It’s unfortunate how many of us fail to recognize the love that is being offered to us. We seek for love but never recognize it when it arrives. We crave for it only to reject it if it doesn’t come in forms we expected it to be.

If we only knew what’s being offered us, we’d have respected it. But we are often not aware of it, and we hurt the ones who really loves us so.

In order to move on, believe that it was never a waste to love. It has enriched you as a person and has equipped you with the capacity to love the right person when he arrives in your life. The one who hurt you may not have intended to cause you pain, but he has yet to grow and learn what love really is so he can recognize it when it comes to bless his life again.

To love is to risk, and to risk is to lose sometimes, to get hurt. But let it not deter you from loving again, from being happy. We can’t always understand everything that happened, but we can accept that not everything is perfect in this life. The people who have hurt you may not have intended to cause you pain. Hurt people hurt people, and more often than not, they hurt themselves most of all. Let God take care of these people. Let God be the one to continue the love you have planted upon their hearts.

Let go of what you can no longer keep. Protect what’s still worth keeping. Believe in love most of all.

Mend My Broken Heart

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