Hi,
I have been struggling with this issue for three years and I need some advise. To some the answer will be a no brainer but for me it’s a struggle. I have been married for 12 years. During those 12 years my marriage has lost communication, intimacy, the desire to be near my spouse because of reasons I don’t want to get into. So I started in an affair 3 years ao with a single man who I have fallen in love with but he see other women as well. He has told me he loves me but this is the way he has always been and doesn’t want to commit to any women. We have tried numerous times to break off this affair but whenever he calls I run back to him. I have explained to him that it kills me inside knowing he “sleeps” with other women. So he suggested we do threesomes with other women. However, this is not what I believe in. I left broken and loss with both relationships I’m in. I have prayed to Jesus to intercede to God for me to take this affair from me but it doesn’t seem to b working. The pain is here in me because this man really doesn’t love me and it hurts knowing no matter how much I love him or what I do for him his before will never change. Please help me to put this in focus.
From Beverly
RESPONSE FROM JOYCE
Hello Beverly,
Thank you for your trust, for allowing us to hear you and for giving us the opportunity to talk to you. There are so many things I wanted to tell you that I think our time and space in here wouldn’t be enough. I will however try my best to give you some words that could help alleviate your pain. First of all, problems like these are not no-brainers, they only seem easy for people who do not understand our real struggles, and our hurts. You may have said it that way because you may have seen the solution they would have given you, though knowing such a solution doesn’t make the process any easier or less painful. I have several points I want to tell you:
1. You’ve said that the man doesn’t really love you. I believe that deep within you, you know this to be true. A man who loves you will not treat you this way. He will not act selfishly. He will not be concerned only of his pleasures and his needs. He would instead do his best to meet the needs of the one he truly loves, and this includes giving her respect, and the chance to be loved by someone else who can give her what he could never give.
2. I could infer that you have somehow loved this man. You have made yourself vulnerable to him and you gave him your whole heart and soul. It isn’t the time to blame yourself. After all, it isn’t wrong to love. What’s wrong is if we continue to love in ways that are already destructive and hurtful to those concerned.
3. You can change the way you love this man. You can love him even from a distance, when you are able to give each other the space to heal, to find yourselves again, and to be loved by other people who can love you more.
4. We can’t always play as Saviors to other people who do not want to be saved. Sometimes, only God can help the person we love the most, and God can work better if we leave it in Him to do His job, if we let go of the person we care about most.
5. You have to offer God your Isaac. Who is Isaac? Isaac is Abraham’s only Son whom he loved the most. You have to offer God the most important thing or person in your life. It’s only by this that you can allow Him to be God and that you could remove all idols in your life which you have placed in a position that only God can fill.
6. Before we can really love other people, we have to be able to love ourselves first.
7. You need to know how much God really loves you so you can start loving yourself. Unless we truly feel how God loves us, unless we know how truly important we are in His eyes, we will not be able to treat ourselves fairly, we will not be able to really love ourselves.
8. You have to surround yourself with other people who can support you in this. People who will not judge you, but will be firm enough to teach you how you should stand up for yourself and for getting the things you truly deserve.
9. It takes time, much time. You’ve got to be patient with yourself. But you must never give up! You have to get up again each time you fall. You’ve got to remember God cheering you on.
10. You can start by having a compelling reason for you to leave the man. Many times, this compelling reason is the intensity of the pain and emptiness we already feel. This great pain would urge us to stop whatever it is we are doing just so we won’t hurt anymore. To others, it is having in mind the welfare of his/her loved ones. When we’re not ok, other people close to us suffer the most. They also hurt the most for us too. Many times, we can tolerate our own pain, but can we accept it that we are also hurting the people we love the most?
God bless you, Beverly! I know that leaving the man will leave a very great void in your heart. And that’s what scares us most. But make use of this time to feel the void in your heart with something much better. Fill it with God’s love! It is real. And Jesus is a real person whom you can really be intimate with. You need not feel alone. Dare to make that move towards freedom. God will be there to fill in everything you would ever need along the way. Do write to me again if you ever need someone to talk to.
With much love,
JOYCE
The thing about hope is that it’s a positive force that shines the most when it’s dark. When everything’s going well, we hardly notice it’s there. But when things go against us, when our dreams fade and when we see no immediate reprieve from our troubles, that’s when hope does its best work for us.
"Where Hope Can Be Found"