Categories
Healing

When You Grieve the Loss of a Loved One

when you're grieving the loss of a loved oneGrieving? How do you get through the loss of a loved one? Where do  you find the inspiration to carry on? When my grandfather died, the first question that crossed my mind was, “Shall we ever, as a family, be able to smile again?

He was a very kind man, a sweet and loving man who also happened to be a retired Captain of the Armed Forces of the Philippines, a proud veteran of the USAFFE in World War II. I loved him – very much, and regarded him as my very own father. He used to carry me up his shoulders when I was but a little girl. I never saw him mad. He was always calm and gentle, but with that certain kind of strength in him that never needed to be boasted about anymore. Maybe this kind of admiration was the source of my childhood dream of being a lady cadette officer. Well, I didn’t realize that dream, but in my heart I knew I’ve acquired that kind of courage he had, and it sort of stayed with me through the years.

I also admired the kind of love he cherished with my Grandma. Something that lasted for fifty golden years, the 50th year being the year of his demise. I often told myself that theirs was the kind of marriage I fervently pray to have – simple, sincere, lasting, abounding in love, courage and understanding. The day my Grandpa died, my heart broke, not only for my own grief, but for the grief of seeing such a blessed marriage come to a sudden end right before my eyes.

How indeed are we going to go about our lives after his passing? How do you let go? How do we spend our late evenings without his stories? How do we celebrate Christmas without his jolly smile? What do you do when you grieve the loss of a loved one?

The seat he occupied at dinner will remain vacant thereafter. The sight of him and Grandma embracing each other after a petty quarrel will be nothing more but a sweet memory to look back to.  Living through loss, healing, letting go, those words seemed so distant before it happened in your own life.

The funny thing was, I never really considered him old. He had always been strong and healthy and happy. I thought he’d always be there, for me, for my Grandma, for everyone who has ever gotten to know the wonderful person he is. But I guess death is like that. It takes from you in an instant the people you’ve cherished for a whole lifetime. Just like that. As simple as that. And you are suddenly left with two things: anger for having been deprived of your beloved for no reason at all; and emptiness, a vacuum that gnaws right at your heart where all the joyful moments once had been.

And how will it be for people who have lost not only their fathers, but mothers, children, both parents, lifetime partners who spent their lives through thick and thin, who dreamt together and journeyed together and found meaning in each other’s lives?

How are we to begin grieving for them? Where could we ever find the tears to weep, tears that will pour out and cry in behalf of our torn and shattered hearts?

1. Cry

Find those tears. Try to let them out however painful the process is. Let them out. Let them pour showers that will cleanse away every bit of darkness and bitterness from your heart.Shy not from crying out aloud. You have every right to be heard, and all the right to be hurt. No one’s going to stand in your way even if you wail.

Let your cries rise up to the clouds, unto the ears of heaven who understand what sorrow mortal men go through in this valley of tears.Cry for the pain of parting. Cry for the sad mornings that will greet you without your lover’s arms. Cry for the words that shall remain unspoken and unheard. Cry for the places you will never be able to walk together anymore. Cry for the dreams that will remain as dreams. Cry for the memories that will remain as memories. Cry for the hand that can no longer caress you. Cry for those eyes that can no longer see your tears.Cry your heart out. Because the truth is – it hurts, and it really hurts so much!

2. Forgive

There are many things we don’t want to admit in times like these; things we believe would only dishonor the memory of our loved one, or things that would dishonor us before their memory. But unless we deal with these things, we would always be burdened by things that should have been buried with passing of our loved ones.  a. Forgiving our loved ones. People are not perfect. No matter how much we love them or no matter how good they are, they may have hurt us at one point or another. They may have judged us and disappointed us. We have to admit how they failed us, and then forgive them with a forgiveness that comes out of the generosity of our hearts. We know that we do not have time anymore, we can no longer wait for them to see their faults and ask our forgiveness.

So we forgive them. We let them go with no bitterness in our hearts.b. Forgiving ourselves. When our loved ones pass away, there is always a feeling of guilt left in us – how we haven’t loved them enough, how we could’ve saved them, how we could’ve made them happier. But when we come to think of it, how much more could we have really done though? Even if we could’ve made a difference, could we be able to turn back the hands of time?Forgive yourself. Admit your faults, go to confession, slap your face hard, observe fasting for a week, shave your head even! But don’t punish yourself forever for being unable to make the proper retribution. You can no longer do that. It’s not your fault anymore. Blaming yourself could never earn for you the forgiveness you so desire. If you can’t be content in praying for forgiveness alone, if you really believe you still have to do something to be forgiven, then do this – love those people still within your reach. Do this, and you’d have earned more than forgiveness; you’d have loved. Love heals. Love forgives.

3. Deal with the pain one day at a time

Grieving for our loved ones who passed away is probably one of the most painful things we’d experience in life. Deal with it one short day at a time. Don’t think of the whole 25 or 50 years ahead of you. Just think of today, and of all the support being given you just where you are. It is times like these when we get to know who our true friends are, people willing to extend their hands and their hearts to help see you through. Accept the help given you, and you’ll make it through today.

4. Honor/ treasure their memory

Many people will suggest to you to move on, which is a fine thing. In the process though, they may also urge you to forget all about the past, and start letting go. Now letting go is not such a bad thing, it could mean giving up all our unrealizable expectations and all of the things we cannot do anymore. But to forget all things completely – to do so would be to start cheating on our true feelings for our beloved who passed away.We can’t just act like we had amnesia all of a sudden.

We can’t pretend that the things that happened didn’t happen, and that the precious moments we’ve spent with our loved ones don’t mean anything to us anymore. Something happened in the past. Souls touched in the past. Lives changed. Souls were inspired.Our grief is only amplified with the thought that we are forever parting with every remaining essence of our loved ones. That’s what makes our mourning even worse, to believe that we are forever losing that part of our lives that changed us and made us happy. Don’t throw it all away. When inspiration comes upon you, they need not leave. They never leave. They inspire us forever.

When my Grandpa died, I thought it was the end of the wonderful love he had with Grandma. But I was wrong. It did not end there. It cannot be ended that way. Up to this moment, I am still a witness on how true love is kept alive in the hearts and minds of those who carry on the radiance of its warmth.

5. Think of the legacy they left behind

I’ve always thought that when our loved ones go away, they take a part of ourselves with them. It’s like a part of us withers away and dies. We feel like an arm or a leg had just been taken away and we can never be whole again. We feel we are lesser people than we used to be. We then wonder why people had to meet at all only to be separated in the end, only to feel broken and incomplete.

But then I’ve also learned that when people become part of each other’s lives, their lives become richer from the whole new world opened before them by one another. They gain a new perspective, they get a deeper understanding of themselves, they learn new skills and hobbies, they discover new places, they get to love a new song. Each one leaves a mark, a precious legacy, a part of their very selves to the people they love.

I don’t know if any grief counseling teaches you this, that even after their lives together had ended, even after one has gone and passed away, that part they have given to us will remain. Because when people become a part of us, a part of their own souls remain in us, forever enriching us, and we are never the same as before.

“What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.”-Helen Keller

My Grandpa had been gone for 16 years now, but the things he left me, the imprint he left in my soul will always be there, guiding me through my journey ahead. Love of country, courage, dignity, love of family – these are the things I will always be thankful for.

6. Schedule activities that help vent out your emotions

You cried, you wept, you wailed. You’re undergoing a grief so deep from your loss.  But as you miss your loved one more painfully with the passing of each day, you feel the emotions within you continue to surge, emotions that need to find a proper outlet to let go.

Schedule those activities with a friend that will encourage you to perform them:
-Play badminton, let go of all the hurts you feel everytime you hit the shuttlecock. Hit it hard! Hit it as far as you can.

-Run the treadmill. Everytime you feel the urge to escape, walk tirelessly. Walk like you never walked before. Run. Run and release the pain you keep within you.
-Swim, imagine your tears being washed away. Do your most powerful strokes, and glide away from all the expectations the world thrusts upon your shoulders. Just make sure a trusted friend and lifeguard is watching over you, okay?
-Grab a crayon and a sketch pad. Draw the abstract feelings you can’t and don’t want to decipher at the moment. Draw in hard wild strokes. Then tear the sheet in pieces.  Do everything within your power to find those shreds of inspiration that can keep you going on.  It would make your healing more bearable, believable.

7. Replenish your soul

Once the strong feelings begin to subside, replenish your soul with activities that promote peace, wholeness and a fresh beginning.

-Plant a seed and watch the new plant emerge from the ground from which it was buried.
-Take care of a chick and help it grow into a hen. You can even enjoy the eggs she will lay for you later!
-Watch a sunrise with a trusted buddy. See how darkness transforms into a magnificent rising of a brand new day.
-Travel somewhere you’ve never been to. Get to know the locals and try to enjoy their way of life.

8. Give yourself time to adjust and recover

It will take time for you to carry on your usual routines each day. Just be patient with yourself. One day survived is one day of battle won. The more days you survive, the more confidence you will gain that you will make it.

If it’s really difficult for you, you can try to write letters to your loved one as though you were only miles away.
This will help you cope with the abrupt change of suddenly not being able to talk with your loved one. This will also help keep your life in check as you literally report what you’re doing with your life.

9. Think of the legacy you wish to leave behind

The torch has been passed on to you. Your life has been made richer by the legacy you received. What do you do now with what you have? What legacy do you want to leave behind to the people that matter most to you now? Remember that you are now a different person by having been a part of someone’s life. Everything you do, any difference that you make in this life is not only because of you, but also because of the one who loved you. When you leave your mark unto this world, you leave a mark formed also by every person that truly touched your life.

10. Believe that God will see you through

God knows your grief. He weeps with you. He hopes with you. He cares for you so much that He willingly died for you to conquer death forever and to give you the perfect and eternal life He wants you to enjoy. Things have not ended here. They have only just begun. Take heart! He will see you through. It is Jesus Himself who said, “The girl is not dead but asleep.” (Matthew 9:24)

When my Grandpa died, I used to doubt whether we can still smile again, now I know the answer: WE CAN.

IN YOUR HOUR OF GRIEF – Book

 

Grief, particularly the sadness of grieving the loss of a loved one, is one of the darkest hours we could ever experience. It is something that goes beyond our comprehension, something so devastating it destroys the most beautiful dreams we have ever had with and for our beloved ones.

How does one go on after such a loss? How does one survive the empty vacuum our loved ones have left behind? Is there any valid meaning we could possibly attribute to death?

Let this book be like a comforting friend for you, someone who knows just how painful it is to experience what you’re going through. I may not be physically with you, but through this book’s comforting words, may you be hugged with a warmth that reaches your heart, soothing the aches within, whispering words of hope and of a renewed sense of connection with that part of you that seemed to have been suddenly lost.

See Book Preview – CLICK HERE

Categories
success

Determination versus hardwork

I came to a very good realization this morning. I realized that there is one thing that’s missing in me, and that is the determination to reach my dreams. It’s true that I’ve been trying very hard in finding ways and means to realize my life goals, but trying hard isnt the same as being sufficient, trying hard isnt helping you keep your hopes alive when you meet one disappointment after another.

Sooner or later you’ll be exhausted, sooner or later you’ll give up. It’s as though you’re merely trying out your luck in the lottery, and when you don’t win, you say that at least you’ve tried, but it was just not meant for you, you weren’t lucky enough. But luck is truly not the question, for luck is not the same as destiny. And destiny can only be reached with a firm “resolve”.

When I studied hard to make it through college for instance, I didn’t just say I will try my best, and see where it gets me. I told myself that I will finish my studies whatever happens, whatever it takes! Whether I have enough money or not, whether the subjects are difficult or easy, I’m going to do it, and nobody’s stopping me. Destiny is like that. Its when you say to yourself that this is what you really want and you will never ever stop until you make your dreams come true!

“Determination as key to success” was written by HIYAS at ITAKEOFFTHEMASK.COM

Categories
Spirituality Words of Wisdom

Why Is My Cross Heavier?

why is my cross heavier 2012Why Is My Cross Heavier?

Have you ever felt those times when the cross you’re carrying seems heavier than it should be? Much heavier than you can bear? Much heavier than the crosses other people are carrying?  In fact, why carry your heavier cross?

Our crosses it seems, vary greatly in the burden and the difficulties they inflict upon us. Why do some crosses appear to be far easier? And why do some appear to be so huge and heavy, our trust upon God’s wisdom and justice is already shaken to its very core?

We see rich, beautiful people whose only problem it seems, are the next orders they’re going to pick from the menu. And then we see beggars who don’t even have a place to sleep at when night falls. We see celebrities gambling loads of money in a casino. And then we see parents doing back-breaking work day after day, just so they could send their children to school. We see politicians squandering the wealth of the nation, and getting credit for the small portion of funds spent in useless undertakings. And then we see cancer victims, fighting for their next breath, not knowing where in God’s hands they’re going to get the amount needed to provide for the family they’re going to leave behind.

Where indeed is fairness in this life? Where is the easy yoke we have been promised to bear? Is God already playing favorites here?  Why a heavier cross to bear?

Oftentimes, when people start asking these questions, the only response they get is something like one of these:
“God works in mysterious ways.”
“Stop that! You’re doubting God’s wisdom.”
“See? There is really no God who guides His people. Either He isn’t real, or He isn’t really good.”

I would not be content with those answers though. There must be some answers more satisfying than those. Following are some of the answers I believe in:

1. We don’t really know the burden people are carrying within

People may appear happy on the outside, but they may actually be crying terribly within. However well-off they appear to be, secret hurts may just be tearing them apart.

Never ever believe instantly the external strengths you see, the smiles that greet your eyes. For sometimes beneath those smiles are tears, and beneath that strength is a yearning to break out and to be understood.

Do we see people who earn more in a day what we could possibly earn in a year? Do we see people who look so happily established in their married lives? Do we see healthy people who can do whatever they want to do be it mountain climbing or spelunking or sky diving? Do we see them and envy them and wish so hard we were the ones in their shoes?

The fact is, there are some things we don’t really see. We don’t see the sad children whose parents are so busy working their way up the corporate ladder. We don’t see lonely wives who have lost their self worth and sunk unto the everyday routine they needed to keep. We don’t see consciences being seared just so money can be earned and ambitions can be reached. We don’t see hearts crying out in loneliness amidst all the external blessings the world believes them to possess.

We don’t see many things. Surely not the things people wanted to hide. They are the only ones who know the true weight of their crosses, and there is no way we could possibly get in their shoes in order to make a fair comparison with the burdens we carry upon our shoulders.

2. We sometimes carry crosses that are not really ours

If you feel you’re carrying so much more burden than you could possibly bear, pause for a while and ponder whether the cross you’re carrying is your own cross and not another one’s burden.

Ask youself, “Is this cross the one God really wants me to bear? Or is this suffering something I have only insisted on inflicting upon myself?”

There are many crosses we insist on carrying, loads we are not suppose to carry in the first place. Due to our stubborness however, we refuse to let it go.

We refuse to forgive the people who have hurt us, because we do not believe they deserve to be forgiven. We refuse to forget our past wounds because we want to get even with those who have caused us pain. We refuse to lay our burdens to God because we don’t trust Him enough to believe everything will be taken care of. Sometimes we even refuse to let other people carry their own crosses because we believe we are the only ones capable of doing the right thing.

Carry only your own cross, my friend. That is all that is asked of you.

3. We do not see that our crosses are in proportion to the strength given us

We may be carrying a far bigger cross upon our shoulders, but have we ever cared to know the resources given us to be able to carry that cross? We were so busy comparing the size of our crosses with our neighbors’, but have we ever cared to compare the strength we have with the strength that they possess?

My friend, the cross given you is in direct proportion to your strength. The pain you bear is in direct proportion to the tolerance that you possess. We may be carrying different kinds of burdens, but we cannot really say that the difficulty we encounter are far different from the troubles others are going through.

Are you in pain? So am I. Were you hurt? So have I. But you can never say you were more hurt than I have been because you have never ever been me, not even for a single moment. You do not have my weaknesses. You do not have my strengths. I do not have the wealth of your previous experiences. And I do not have the people who support you in your hour of need.

Stop comparing one another’s crosses, because in truth, there is no way that we can really be able to compare them.

4. We do not avail of the unlimited strength being offered by God to help us carry our cross

There are many times when all that we can see are the huge crosses we carry upon our shoulders. We see how weak we are. We see how tired and exhausted we have been. But we do not see God’s hand reaching out to help us. We do not see the strength being offered us when our own powers are no longer enough.

Maybe our financial condition is just enough to feed one child, but just when we’re least expecting it, another one comes along contrary to what we have planned. Maybe we feel so alone, and the only person who has ever been there to support us suddenly leaves, never ever to return. We feel helpless and broken. And we do not have the strength anymore to face the challenges that come our way.

It is during these times that we should keep our hopes up and believe that a Higher Power will see us through. Help will come just in time, just when we needed it, just when we have given our last ounce of strength.

You may think of how limited your resources are at the moment, but a better opportunity may already be on its way. You may think you’ve lost everyone who has ever cared for you, and yet the one who will love you like you’ve never been loved before may just be standing outside the door, knocking, hoping you wouild just open the door and let him in.

There is a God who watches over us, and who sends His angels before us to guard us and to guide us along the path He has prepared for us. He will never let us down. He will not give us crosses too heavy for us to bear. And just when we think our crosses are getting bigger, He will give us more strength, more power than we believed we could ever possess. So just hang in there a minute more. Hope. Believe in miracles. They still come true, you know.

5. We see no purpose in carrying our crosses

Then Jesus said to his discipled, “If any of you want to come with me, you must forget yourself, carry your cross, and follow me. (Matthew 16:24)

“Follow me.” That’s what Jesus said. And in following Him, we are to forget ourselves and carry our crosses. Our goal would be to follow Jesus, not to be able to carry our crosses.

Have you ever had such a great drive to achieve a dream? A drive so great you are tremendously inspired to reach for your dream whatever sacrifices you may have to make along the way? Have you ever had such a loved one, someone so special you were willing to undergo hell just so you can always be with the person?

It’s the same with carrying our crosses. Carrying our burden is merely incidental to our true goal. We must be passionate enough, enamored enough, enthralled, raptured, captivated, powerfully moved in following our life mission, it doesn’t matter whatever difficulties may come along. We know we could overcome anything, for the prize ahead is worth far more than the sacrifices we are to make along the way.

We have to know our purpose and our destiny. Otherwise, we would just be focusing on our crosses, complaining how heavy and difficult they are.

It is only in being driven towards our greatest and utmost passions and desires that we are able to forget ourselves and bear the burdens we never knew we’d be capable of

The crosses that come our way were never meant to hinder us from reaching our God-given destiny. They were meant to help us and strengthen us so we can be the kind of persons we are supposed to be. The greater one’s cross is, the greater is the opportunity and the gift attached to it, if only we could take our eyes off our suffering for a moment, and see the blessings being poured upon us in the process.

Every test that you have experienced is the kind that normally comes to people. But God keeps his promise, and he will not allow you to be tested beyond your power to remain firm; at the time you are put to the test, he will give you the strength to endure it, and so provide you with a way out. (1 Cor. 10:13)Come to me, all of you who are tired from carrying heavy loads, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke and put it on you, and learn from me, because I am gentle and humble in spirit; and you will find rest. For the yoke I will give you is easy, and the load I will put on you is light. (Matthew 11:28)

Categories
Spirituality

Secret to mountain moving faith

A child is having a seizure, he foams at the mouth and gnashes his teeth, he is thrown to the ground and lays as rigid as a rock. Meanwhile, the disciples of Jesus gather around him, praying, laying their hands and shouting words of affirmation, trying to cast away the evil spirit that has possessed the child. Still, the child rolled around, foaming at the mouth. The disciples couldn’t drive away the malady. After all the miracles they’ve seen through Jesus, after all the miracles they have performed themselves, they stand defeated and confused.

Continue reading “Secret to mountain moving faith”

Categories
Prayers

Single Mom Prayer

single mom prayer 2012

Single Mom Prayer

My God, I have such a wonderful child, a most precious gift I do not deserve. My heart melts into joy each time he looks at me, each time he calls me “Mommy“. He would embrace me and kiss me and all my troubles will disappear in a moment. Nothing else matters except his laughter and the brightness of his eyes. You know I would give him everything. I would give him the world if I can only do it. Gladly would I sacrifice everything for him, even my own life if need be so.

He brought me hope, he gave my life direction and a meaning I’ve never known before. Surely Lord, you have saved me through this child. Through him you have made known to me how much you love me.

But I am not worthy O God. I feel so incapable of taking care of your most beautiful gift to me. For what can I possibly give this child? My failures? My brokenness? My shameful past? What can I teach this child? How can I mould him into the person he was meant to be?  What shall a single mom like me pray?

Yet you gave him to me, you’ve brought him unto my cold and shaking hands. Surely you must know my weaknesses, yet you must have also known I would call upon you to help me and to provide for the things I cannot do.

Help me O God. Heal me of my wounds so I may not pass on to him my bitterness. Heal me of my insecurities that I may teach him how to have confidence on himself. Blot out my sins that he may not be cursed for mistakes he wasn’t even aware of, and so that he can have a wonderful future ahead of him. Fill my heart with love even if I’m all alone. For how can I possibly give away that which I do not have? It is not easy indeed to be a single mom. Grant me wisdom. Grant me strength to face a harsh world so I can provide for him and give him everything he needs. Say unto me Lord that I am not alone for you will be my Husband, and you yourself will be his Father. This child is blessed, this I know, and I thank you for all that you have ever done and all that you have in store for us from your boundless mercy and unceasing love.

To all the single moms out there, I salute you. I hope that this prayer of a single mom somehow resonates the true prayers of your heart and inspires you in believing that the answer is sure to come, and is certainly on the way!

You may want to download the free e-book “366 Days of Compassion” on Amazon Kindle – click here.