My Lord, whose child am I? At times I think I am neither my father’s nor my mother’s. and if I do not belong to any of them, to whom do I truly belong? My life is as shattered as my identity, my heart as broken as my home. Always do I seek for something yet always do I also fail to find what I’m looking for. I am like a vagabond that travels from place to place never finding rest, a bird that flies from one distant land to another, never ever finding its own nest to lay.
People who do not know my troubles envy the kind of life laid down for me. They wonder what more I can ask for, what more I could possibly want. But they do not feel the turmoil that keeps me awake at night, the fears that hinder me from following the dreams you have destined for me to find.
My heart is filled with rage for the people I should love the most. This anger poisons me but I couldn’t let it go for these people have wounded me even before the day I was born. How can I ever forgive them? How can I ever be healed? Too many people have been hurt already and if I don’t find my way now, this cycle of brokenness will only happen over and over again.
I desire that the family I am going to raise be whole and strong, filled with love ad build from a firmfoundation. I desire that the children I wil bear will not suffer the wounds and the shame that I have suffered from. Heal me O Lord and break the curse that lay upon my veins. Grant us your forgiveness and blot out the shameful record of our transgressions. Slowly open up my heart and let me face my sorrows. Fill my heart with acceptance and love that I may learn to forgive those who didn’t know what they have done. Soothe the painful memories inflicted upon me from my conception in the womb. And remove the scars that have marked me with guilt and punishment for the sins I never committed. Indeed, give me a new mark and a new name O God, that I am yours and will forever be your beloved and precious child.
Find hope in your darkest hour.
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