How Do You Deal With Emotional Pain?
Yes, I understand why things had to happen this way. I understand the reason for this pain. But mere understanding does not chase away the hurt. It does not call upon the sun when dark clouds have loomed over me. Let the rain come then if it must come! And let it wash away the dust that hurt my eyes!
There are times when life suddenly casts a shadow upon us: we suffer for sins we did not even commit, we go through situations we certainly do not deserve. In such times, we have so many questions throbbing at the back of our minds, but the biggest of them all is “WHY?”
We want to know the reason why we had to go through such excruciating pain. We want to know why we were not able to do anything to prevent them. We want to know why God failed us, why He let us down when we needed Him most.
Yet even after we were able to answer these questions, the pain remains, life stands still, and we can do nothing but wait ’til everything’s over, until we can move on again like we used to, when our hearts were not yet bruised and broken. We then come into answering our second biggest question, and that is “HOW?”
How do we deal with the awful feeling of brokenness? How do we start to move on? How on earth are we ever going to smile again?
Like many people, I’ve been through dark and painful moments in my life as well, moments I wanted to skip, moments when what I wanted the most was to have a time machine so I could either go back in time when I was happy, or fast forward anywhere in the future when I can find myself whole again.
But no machine like that has ever been invented yet, and the only way to move from the terrible place where I stood was to go through the dark tunnel ahead with the firm hope of finding a better place on the other side.
If you’re willing to go through that dark tunnel with me, let us begin. Let us try to answer the only question that can lead us to a better place. How indeed can we ever deal with our grief?
1. Accept the challenge and do my best.
We can never move on anywhere unless we acknowledge where we stand at the moment. Acceptance is the shortest route to peace. Acceptance will help you let go of your “whys” so you can start focusing on your “hows”.
Accept that things have already happened. Accept that you can do nothing to turn back the hands of time to undo everything that’s already been done. You can blame everyone, you can blame God, you can even blame yourself but that would never change your situation. That would never help you get out of the pit that you’re in, the suffering you’re going through.
Find the way to acceptance, and you can begin to find the strength and the will to move on.
2. Rest when I can no longer carry on.
It is a good thing to cry and mourn for your sorrows. It is good to release your tears, your anger, your pent-up emotions. But there are limits to our powers, to our physical and emotional strength as human beings.
We need enough time to rest to renew our strength, so we can have a better cry next time. Have enough sleep. Force yourself to watch television or buy groceries and give yourself a break. Try to forget your troubles even if only for an hour or so. That way, you do not exhaust yourself to the point when you no longer have enough strength to face the challenges of the coming day. Reserve some of your strength until you can make it through.
3. Take comfort in a friend’s love and strength.
Those who knew the torment of pain and have survived from it understand the comfort of knowing someone is there listening to you, someone who understands you and all those hurts you’re going through. Someone who doesn’t judge you or condemn you, just someone who loves you and trusts you.
Some people may find this comfort in a family or a trusted friend. In my case, I have also found it in God. It may be quite ironic, but I have found my greatest joy in the arms of my God in my darkest hour.
I felt him hugging me, comforting me, crying with me. He didn’t just watch me. He didn’t scold me to get up and be strong and stop being such a fool. He cried with me. He knew my pain and he claimed it as though it were His own.
For those who do not share the same belief, you may instead seek a loved one who can give you their warm presence. If you can find such a person who can console you, this is the time to receive his or her care.
4. Bear the pain and be patient.
This seems to be the hardest part of all. Pain is pain and suffering is suffering. There is no pill or any kind of painkiller that we can take to prevent us from feeling our hurts. We have to bear it head-on and cling to the thought that things will change for the better.
I have deep sorrow today and an unclear vision of the future. But nobody ever died of loneliness — only of hopelessness! As long as I have hope, no problem is ever too difficult, no night so dark that it can prevent the rising of another day!
There are times when we are so lost in the dark that no matter how hard we try to find our way, we can’t find the roads we’re looking for; no matter how desperately we seek, we can’t grasp the answers, and we continue to grope in the dark.
Take heart, however; stand firm and strong, for it will not be long. The night is short and the voices will soon fade away. Darkness shall falter and surrender to a brand new day.
5. When it is time, stop dwelling on the pain
There are times when the pain finally subsides, and we are given a chance to move on a notch higher. Finally, we have the chance to break free from our pain.
The problem, however, is that many of us choose to cling to our hurts. We let the pain linger longer than they should. Maybe we got so used to it, we don’t know anymore what we’re going to do without it. Maybe we feel mad at ourselves and we choose to punish ourselves for the things we thought we did wrong. Maybe we’re mad at someone else and we want to punish him by punishing ourselves.
Whatever it is, it will not help you find your path to living the full life you should be living. Let it go. Let go of your pain and move on.
6. Live from day to day. Or if that is too long, from moment to moment.
Some wounds take a longer time to heal than others, and some hurts take a while longer to subside. The important thing is that we stay afloat one day, one moment at a time.
Don’t think of how hard the whole process is going to be. Don’t think of all the lonely days ahead of you. They haven’t even arrived yet! Just think of the moment. If you can live and make it for the moment, that is all that is needed to make it through.
7. Learn everything I can from the process.
When we’re in pain, we seldom realize what lessons we can learn from the process. Though it is quite understandable why we do not give attention to things like that in times of grief, the truth remains that we do learn many things during our darkest hour.
It is a time when all the lessons we have ever learned are being challenged in an instant. It is a time when we come to realize what we value the most in life. It is a time when we get to understand other people better. Let us take advantage of those times when we see things more clearly than we ever saw them before.
8. Protect my joy at all times.
This may not be an easy thing to process, but I believe that joy and sorrow can exist at the same time.
Yes, we are hurt. Yes, we’re broken. But yes, we know we’re going to make it. And yes, we know we’ll get out of it better persons than we used to be. Somewhere in our hearts, there is a chamber of joy that should remain intact, untouched, forever guiding us in our most troublesome paths.
It is indeed a painful thing to grow, but afterward, you will be glad that you have undergone the process. You will feel stronger. You will feel like you have just been released from your self-made prison.
You will carry the warmth of those who have loved you and comforted you in your darkest hour. You will have greater confidence as you learn more about your true beauty and strength. And you will move forward in life with greater strides knowing that the things which have caused you pain could no longer touch you and torment you the way they did before.