The value of sadness in our search for happiness
“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not a mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition and of unspeakable love.” ? Washington Irving
There is a power in sadness that we rarely talk about
We avoid talking about it because quite often, what we desire is the easy, the effortless and the no-sweat solution to our troubles. We just want to be happy. But in desiring to be happy, we have chased all our sadness away, the kind of sadness that can make us happy in the end.
“There are moments when I wish I could roll back the clock and take all the sadness away, but I have the feeling that if I did, the joy would be gone as well.” — Nicholas Sparks
Have you ever experienced wanting to fast forward a movie so you could skip all the sad and painful moments the hero has to go through? There were many times when I wanted to do that but then I knew that doing so would also lessen my satisfaction toward any happy resolution of the story.
I can only appreciate the happiness of the characters if I had also gone through all their sufferings and difficulties. To see them fall is necessary for me so that I could rejoice when I see them rise. To see them cry is necessary for me so I could taste the depths of their laughter.
Sadness Deepens Our Joy
“There is neither happiness nor misery in the world; there is only the comparison of one state with another, nothing more. He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness. We must have felt what it is to die, Morrel, that we may appreciate the enjoyments of life. Live, then, and be happy, beloved children of my heart, and never forget, that until the day God will deign to reveal the future to man, all human wisdom is contained in these two words, ‘Wait and Hope.’”? Alexandre Dumas
Take a rich man and watch him eat. He who has always had much. He who has eaten the most from the most sumptuous feasts. See how little he enjoys what he eats. See how little he takes. Now take a poor man. He who has always had nothing. He who has not eaten for days. Give him food and see how glad he becomes. See how grateful he takes your gift with his trembling hands. Can you see how he enjoys each morsel? How he wants each bite to last? Who among the two has been made happy? Who has the deeper kind of joy?
It is the poor who can appreciate being wealthy. It is the hurt who can receive consolation. It is the sick who can enjoy good health. It is the lonely who can be filled with love.
“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” – Matthew 5:4, WEB-BE
Sadness takes away, but sadness also gives. Sadness creates a space in our hearts so it can be occupied by joy.
“Therefore you now have sorrow, but I will see you again, and your heart will rejoice, and no one will take your joy away from you.” – John 16:22, WEB-BE
“Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?”
— Kahlil Gibran
Sadness Deepens Our Love
The power of sadness can be more clearly observed in love. For what is love? It is the mingling of our deepest sorrows and of our highest joys. It is that point where light and darkness meet, and where the most precious treasure we have found requires the utmost kind sacrifice from our hearts.
There are two sides to love. One is the face of happiness, the face of youthful dreams and colorful summers. The face of two people in mutual attraction and admiration, proud of each other’s beauty and strength. This is the face that most people know, the only face that some people are willing to receive.
But there is another face to love. The other face we hardly look upon because we do not have the strength to bear its sorrows. This is the face of suffering, the face of loss, the face of winter. This is that love we bear when we see our beloved suffering, when for one reason or another, our journey with them is no longer as enjoyable as before.
This is not always to our liking, but to reject this face is to reject the fullness of love. To desire summer without suffering the cold is to have but weak feelings, not true affection. To stay only when things are enjoyable is to not have gone to the very depths of compassion, the love that endures, that fights, that triumphs through all of life’s troubles.
What kind of love do we really want? What kind of love do we truly possess? Say not that you love if you know only but one face and not the other. For love is both the happiness and the sorrow of it. It is both the light and the darkness of the journey getting there. Love lacks nothing, will always give more than it thought it could and will always believe no matter how great the storm.
Sadness Improves Empathy
It is our vulnerabilities that help us to love each other more. They give us a chance to offer something for another, even to suffer with someone else’s pain. With our vulnerabilities, we easily pass from pride and pretense towards the heart of a person, a heart that needs to be loved.
Who has not understood a person better after he has seen her at her most vulnerable? Who has not known another better after that person has taken off her mask of invincibility?
It is sadness that helps us empathize with another person’s pain. We may not understand one another’s victories, but we can be compassionate with one another’s woes.
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”– C.S. Lewis
We can’t love unless we allow the other person to enter into the very depths of our hearts. To allow them in, we are also allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, and in being vulnerable, we become open to pain.
Those who have known great suffering, those who have tasted sadness are also those who are capable of great love.
Sadness Purifies the Heart
“Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts. I was better after I had cried, than before — more sorry, more aware of my own ingratitude, more gentle.”? Charles Dickens, Great Expectations
Have you ever experienced that kind of relief you feel after having a good cry? In a way, sadness takes away what’s dark and bitter. It allows our souls to unload the heaviness it has borne for a long time.
Before you cried, you felt yourself burdened. Before you cried, you felt as though your heart would burst and life would forever depart from you. You felt bound even though you had no chains.
After crying, you feel free once more. You may still feel sad, but you know that something has already been released, you are no longer trapped where you were.
A study conducted in 2014 researched the possibility of a direct link between crying and self-soothing. (Gra?anin, A., Bylsma, L. M., & Vingerhoets, A. J. (2014). Is crying a self-soothing behavior?. Frontiers in psychology, 5, 502. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2014.00502 ) Judith Orloff, M.D. in her article “The Health Benefits of Tears” asserts:
“For over 20 years as a physician, I’ve witnessed, time and again, the healing power of tears. Tears are your body’s release valve for stress, sadness, grief, anxiety, and frustration.”
In an age where crying is scorned and deemed as a weakness, it’s no wonder that we are often burdened and stressed. In choosing not to face our sadness, we have merely kept it within.
“But a mermaid has no tears, and therefore she suffers so much more.” ? Hans Christian Andersen, The Little Mermaid
Sadness Consoles You
There are times when sadness alone can console us. In times when we’re really down and having a bad day, the sight of laughter and celebration may be too much for us. Even happy music may not be to our liking.
People with good intentions may come to us, encouraging us to laugh but we can’t laugh. People would try so hard to approach us with their joy, but even their joy offends us. We know they just want us to be happy, but what they don’t understand is that we can’t be happy yet. We need time to grieve and cry. We need to be allowed to be sad.
Weren’t there times when after a broken heart, all we wanted was to listen to sad music? We’d wallow in our sadness all day and watch movies that make us cry even more. Why do we do that? Maybe because in times like that, we just want to understand our pain. We want to know the meaning behind our hurts. Most of all, we want to feel that we’re not the only person in the world who has suffered like that. We want to know that we are not alone.
Jeanette Bicknell Ph.D. in her article at Psychology Today discussed various reasons why we listen to sad music when we’re sad.
“…so i will greet you
in a way
all loved things
are meant to be greeted
with a tear in my heart
and a poem in my eye.”
? Sanober Khan, Turquoise Silence
Sadness Helps Us Grow
“The world breaks everyone and afterwards many are strong at the broken places.” — Ernest Hemingway
Too much happiness can keep us from growing
When everything seems to be perfect, we become complacent. We remain ignorant of other people’s troubles. We forget the fullest potential of our souls.
Times of sadness, however, help us become wiser and stronger. Pain teaches us where we have gone wrong. It opens our eyes so we could see beyond the facade of things around us.
“Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.” C.S. Lewis
And who is not awakened by pain? Who is not roused by having one’s heart broken into a million pieces?
Sadness is a difficult teacher, but she is a good one. We may forget the many things happiness has taught us, but we never forget where our wounds have come from.
“Sorrow is better than laughter,
for by sadness of countenance the heart is made glad.
The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning;
but the heart of fools is in the house of mirth.”
— Ecclesiastes 7:3–4, NRSVCE
Sadness and Joy Together
“Smiles and tears are so alike with me, they are neither of them confined to any particular feelings: I often cry when I am happy, and smile when I am sad.” ? Anne Brontë, The Tenant of Wildfell Hall
Have you ever looked into the eyes of true sorrow? The kind that is free of any bitterness or regret? The kind whose tears are so pure it cleanses your soul? If you have looked carefully, you must have seen the resemblance, how the eyes of sorrow so closely resemble the eyes of purest joy. How they both touch us and move us to be our better selves, and how they both give meaning to the life we’re living in today.
Why are we so afraid then of sorrow? Why pretend you’re happy when what you really want to do is cry? There is more to life than laughter. There is more to life than the absence of pain. For trials give unto us a gift, which comfort can never give us. And above all laughter are tears that tell us our souls have just been sanctified.
In truth, the most beautiful moments in our lives are the moments when both joy and sorrow dwell upon our hearts, embracing us, moving us, creating a tapestry of holiness and love, forever enriching us and blessing us through the mystery and power of our tears.
Some of you say, “Joy is greater than sorrow,” and others say, “Nay, sorrow is the greater.” But I say unto you, they are inseparable. — Kahlil Gibran
The thing about hope is that it’s a positive force that shines the most when it’s dark. When everything’s going well, we hardly notice it’s there. But when things go against us, when our dreams fade and when we see no immediate reprieve from our troubles, that’s when hope does its best work for us.
"Where Hope Can Be Found"