Categories
Grief

When We Want to Know the Meaning of Our Sadness

The value of sadness in our search for happiness

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not a mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition and of unspeakable love.” ? Washington Irving

There is a power in sadness that we rarely talk about

We avoid talking about it because quite often, what we desire is the easy, the effortless and the no-sweat solution to our troubles. We just want to be happy. But in desiring to be happy, we have chased all our sadness away, the kind of sadness that can make us happy in the end.

“There are moments when I wish I could roll back the clock and take all the sadness away, but I have the feeling that if I did, the joy would be gone as well.” — Nicholas Sparks

Have you ever experienced wanting to fast forward a movie so you could skip all the sad and painful moments the hero has to go through? There were many times when I wanted to do that but then I knew that doing so would also lessen my satisfaction toward any happy resolution of the story.

I can only appreciate the happiness of the characters if I had also gone through all their sufferings and difficulties. To see them fall is necessary for me so that I could rejoice when I see them rise. To see them cry is necessary for me so I could taste the depths of their laughter.

Sadness Deepens Our Joy

“There is neither happiness nor misery in the world; there is only the comparison of one state with another, nothing more. He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness. We must have felt what it is to die, Morrel, that we may appreciate the enjoyments of life. Live, then, and be happy, beloved children of my heart, and never forget, that until the day God will deign to reveal the future to man, all human wisdom is contained in these two words, ‘Wait and Hope.’”? Alexandre Dumas

Take a rich man and watch him eat. He who has always had much. He who has eaten the most from the most sumptuous feasts. See how little he enjoys what he eats. See how little he takes. Now take a poor man. He who has always had nothing. He who has not eaten for days. Give him food and see how glad he becomes. See how grateful he takes your gift with his trembling hands. Can you see how he enjoys each morsel? How he wants each bite to last? Who among the two has been made happy? Who has the deeper kind of joy?

It is the poor who can appreciate being wealthy. It is the hurt who can receive consolation. It is the sick who can enjoy good health. It is the lonely who can be filled with love.

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” – Matthew 5:4, WEB-BE

Sadness takes away, but sadness also gives. Sadness creates a space in our hearts so it can be occupied by joy.

“Therefore you now have sorrow, but I will see you again, and your heart will rejoice, and no one will take your joy away from you.” – John 16:22, WEB-BE

“Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?”
— Kahlil Gibran

Sadness Deepens Our Love

The power of sadness can be more clearly observed in love. For what is love? It is the mingling of our deepest sorrows and of our highest joys. It is that point where light and darkness meet, and where the most precious treasure we have found requires the utmost kind sacrifice from our hearts.

There are two sides to love. One is the face of happiness, the face of youthful dreams and colorful summers. The face of two people in mutual attraction and admiration, proud of each other’s beauty and strength. This is the face that most people know, the only face that some people are willing to receive.

But there is another face to love. The other face we hardly look upon because we do not have the strength to bear its sorrows. This is the face of suffering, the face of loss, the face of winter. This is that love we bear when we see our beloved suffering, when for one reason or another, our journey with them is no longer as enjoyable as before.

This is not always to our liking, but to reject this face is to reject the fullness of love. To desire summer without suffering the cold is to have but weak feelings, not true affection. To stay only when things are enjoyable is to not have gone to the very depths of compassion, the love that endures, that fights, that triumphs through all of life’s troubles.

What kind of love do we really want? What kind of love do we truly possess? Say not that you love if you know only but one face and not the other. For love is both the happiness and the sorrow of it. It is both the light and the darkness of the journey getting there. Love lacks nothing, will always give more than it thought it could and will always believe no matter how great the storm.

Sadness Improves Empathy

It is our vulnerabilities that help us to love each other more. They give us a chance to offer something for another, even to suffer with someone else’s pain. With our vulnerabilities, we easily pass from pride and pretense towards the heart of a person, a heart that needs to be loved.

Who has not understood a person better after he has seen her at her most vulnerable? Who has not known another better after that person has taken off her mask of invincibility?

It is sadness that helps us empathize with another person’s pain. We may not understand one another’s victories, but we can be compassionate with one another’s woes.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”– C.S. Lewis

We can’t love unless we allow the other person to enter into the very depths of our hearts. To allow them in, we are also allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, and in being vulnerable, we become open to pain.

Those who have known great suffering, those who have tasted sadness are also those who are capable of great love.

Sadness Purifies the Heart

“Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts. I was better after I had cried, than before — more sorry, more aware of my own ingratitude, more gentle.”? Charles Dickens, Great Expectations

Have you ever experienced that kind of relief you feel after having a good cry? In a way, sadness takes away what’s dark and bitter. It allows our souls to unload the heaviness it has borne for a long time.

Before you cried, you felt yourself burdened. Before you cried, you felt as though your heart would burst and life would forever depart from you. You felt bound even though you had no chains.

After crying, you feel free once more. You may still feel sad, but you know that something has already been released, you are no longer trapped where you were.

study conducted in 2014 researched the possibility of a direct link between crying and self-soothing. (Gra?anin, A., Bylsma, L. M., & Vingerhoets, A. J. (2014). Is crying a self-soothing behavior?. Frontiers in psychology5, 502. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2014.00502 ) Judith Orloff, M.D. in her article “The Health Benefits of Tears” asserts:

“For over 20 years as a physician, I’ve witnessed, time and again, the healing power of tears. Tears are your body’s release valve for stress, sadness, grief, anxiety, and frustration.”

In an age where crying is scorned and deemed as a weakness, it’s no wonder that we are often burdened and stressed. In choosing not to face our sadness, we have merely kept it within.

“But a mermaid has no tears, and therefore she suffers so much more.” ? Hans Christian Andersen, The Little Mermaid

Sadness Consoles You

There are times when sadness alone can console us. In times when we’re really down and having a bad day, the sight of laughter and celebration may be too much for us. Even happy music may not be to our liking.

People with good intentions may come to us, encouraging us to laugh but we can’t laugh. People would try so hard to approach us with their joy, but even their joy offends us. We know they just want us to be happy, but what they don’t understand is that we can’t be happy yet. We need time to grieve and cry. We need to be allowed to be sad.

Weren’t there times when after a broken heart, all we wanted was to listen to sad music? We’d wallow in our sadness all day and watch movies that make us cry even more. Why do we do that? Maybe because in times like that, we just want to understand our pain. We want to know the meaning behind our hurts. Most of all, we want to feel that we’re not the only person in the world who has suffered like that. We want to know that we are not alone.

Jeanette Bicknell Ph.D. in her article at Psychology Today discussed various reasons why we listen to sad music when we’re sad.

“…so i will greet you
in a way
all loved things
are meant to be greeted
with a tear in my heart
and a poem in my eye.”
? Sanober Khan, Turquoise Silence

Sadness Helps Us Grow

“The world breaks everyone and afterwards many are strong at the broken places.” — Ernest Hemingway

Too much happiness can keep us from growing

When everything seems to be perfect, we become complacent. We remain ignorant of other people’s troubles. We forget the fullest potential of our souls.

Times of sadness, however, help us become wiser and stronger. Pain teaches us where we have gone wrong. It opens our eyes so we could see beyond the facade of things around us.

“Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.” C.S. Lewis

And who is not awakened by pain? Who is not roused by having one’s heart broken into a million pieces?

Sadness is a difficult teacher, but she is a good one. We may forget the many things happiness has taught us, but we never forget where our wounds have come from.

“Sorrow is better than laughter,
for by sadness of countenance the heart is made glad.
The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning;
but the heart of fools is in the house of mirth.”
— Ecclesiastes 7:3–4, NRSVCE

Sadness and Joy Together

“Smiles and tears are so alike with me, they are neither of them confined to any particular feelings: I often cry when I am happy, and smile when I am sad.” ? Anne Brontë, The Tenant of Wildfell Hall

Have you ever looked into the eyes of true sorrow? The kind that is free of any bitterness or regret? The kind whose tears are so pure it cleanses your soul? If you have looked carefully, you must have seen the resemblance, how the eyes of sorrow so closely resemble the eyes of purest joy. How they both touch us and move us to be our better selves, and how they both give meaning to the life we’re living in today.

Why are we so afraid then of sorrow? Why pretend you’re happy when what you really want to do is cry? There is more to life than laughter. There is more to life than the absence of pain. For trials give unto us a gift, which comfort can never give us. And above all laughter are tears that tell us our souls have just been sanctified.

In truth, the most beautiful moments in our lives are the moments when both joy and sorrow dwell upon our hearts, embracing us, moving us, creating a tapestry of holiness and love, forever enriching us and blessing us through the mystery and power of our tears.

Some of you say, “Joy is greater than sorrow,” and others say, “Nay, sorrow is the greater.” But I say unto you, they are inseparable. — Kahlil Gibran

Categories
Grief

When We Grieve

Grief, particularly the sadness of grieving the loss of a loved one, is one of the darkest hours we could ever experience. It is something that goes beyond our comprehension, something so devastating it destroys the most beautiful dreams we have ever had with and for our beloved ones.

How does one go on after such a loss? How does one survive the empty vacuum our loved ones have left behind? Is there any valid meaning we could possibly attribute to death?

Let this book be like a comforting friend for you, someone who knows just how painful it is to experience what you’re going through. I may not be physically with you, but through this book’s comforting words, may you be hugged with a warmth that reaches your heart, soothing the aches within, whispering words of hope and of a renewed sense of connection with that part of you that seemed to have been suddenly lost.

This is a short and simple book, but it is a powerfully healing and comforting book. May you find inspiration and wisdom in it, may you find practical advice, and may you be blessed with a love you will always be able to keep with you even in your darkest hour.

“I walked in the garden of life, caressing soft petals here and there. And lo! After a while they were no more, and my heart bled for each fragrant petal that fell. If every flower withers, never to return to its full blossom, then what good indeed is passing by in the garden of life? Herein lies my hope: That for every flower that withers, another one blooms, one that will remain forever fragrant and fresh, never ever to pass away…”

READ MORE… CLICK HERE

Categories
Grief

How Do You Handle The Vacuum of Loss

When we lose a loved one, whether by a broken relationship or by unexpected death, the most difficult part we experience is the vacuum of loss we feel in our hearts.

All of a sudden, a very significant part of our life, maybe the biggest or most important part is taken away. There is no immediate replacement. What we have left is just a BIG VOID, an empty space, a black hole we cannot understand. We feel hallow, like our hearts have suddenly been taken away.

Our problems therefore are two-fold:

  1. Lack of anything to look forward to for the next day and for the many many days to come.

  2. No person to share with our thoughts, our dreams, our trivial problems, our discoveries, the funny experiences we have from day to day.

For the one thing that changed, that became absent in our life, everything else seems to have changed as well, everything was BROKEN.

I will not say that there is a magic formula. But I will try to suggest some things that could help. Do note however that the following only applies at the point of total loss or separation, where nothing could ever be done to remedy the situation. For breakups that need to be thought about, for relationships that need to be healed, for situations that need to be fought with all your strength and with everything you have, do not apply this yet. Thou can live with loss, but thou shalt not live with regret.

  1. DON’T THINK ABOUT IT

I know, I know. That’s technically impossible. But consider this. Haven’t you spent a single day without the company of your loved one? Haven’t you been to a vacation without him? How did you feel then?

True, you may have missed them. But you didn’t suffer as much as you do now. You may have even enjoyed your time alone, that certain space and freedom.

The only difference is this: PERSPECTIVE. Whereas before, you knew you’d see them again, right now you’re burdened by a future of emptiness you see before you.

Don’t think about that future yet. Don’t think of the hundreds of days ahead that haven’t even arrived.

Spend the day as you would as though all these didn’t happen. It’s hard, it will take all your willpower. But it can be done.

  1. DISTRACT YOURSELF

Many people might say that this sounds like an escape mechanism, and I agree. But people who say it may not know how it is to really feel lost, empty and left all alone. They don’t know how dark and painful it is in there and how any measure of light, even a flicker, could help you carry on.

Find as much distraction as you can to keep your mind from focusing on your loss. Focusing on such loss will not lead you anywhere but to further despair, especially when you’re not yet strong enough.

One day at a time, try to survive the day, the hour, the minute, without your beloved.

  1. REALIGN

Even escape mechanisms has its limits, an expiration date. Even the most skillful cannot fool themselves forever. When that time comes, you’ll know that its time to realign.

For quite a time now, you were able to survive many days without your beloved. You have lived through empty days and you have filled your days with something else. They have not fulfilled you. But they have witnessed your survival.

Without being aware of it, the first steps of realignment have been made. Think about the following perspectives:

FIRST PERSPECTIVE

I love this person. I spend each day with him. I share with him my dreams, my happiness, my hurts, my experiences.

SECOND PERSPECTIVE

I love this person. I no longer spend each day with him, but as though like a prayer, I still share with him my deepest and most treasured emotions.

REALIGNMENT. Some things change. Yet some things remain. LOVE REMAINS.

In many situations, we can use this very important tool to help us adjust and still keep what’s worth keeping.

When kids grow up, our relationship with them changes. Yet they’re still our children, our love. But where before we could cuddle them anytime, now it suffices to know they’re raising good families of their own.

Our friends too, may make moves that take them to far distances. They may take jobs elsewhere. Yet even these could not truly take away our friendship. We can still share with them our thoughts, dreams, hurts and achievements. And they will rejoice or weep with us just the same.

Where distraction merely avoids the issue of our loss, realignment brings us to the right perspective, to the TRUTH.

Without it, we may believe HALF-TRUTHS only and be overwhelmed. And what is this half-truth? The half-truth given us during a loss is this: That we have LOST EVERYTHING. It is a half-truth because nothing is every truly lost. We might have lost SOMETHING, a physical presence perhaps, the ability to hold their hand whenever we desire. But they have left us with SOMETHING, too. Their memory, their love, their soul. Something that has truly been a part of us can never ever be taken away. We carry that something with us, always, wherever we may go.

 

Categories
Grief

Comfort My People

“Comfort, comfort my people, says your God.”-Isaiah 40:11


The world is full of hurting and comfortless hearts. But before you will be competent for this lofty ministry, you must be trained. And your training is extremely costly, for to make it complete, you too must endure the same afflictions that are wringing countless hearts of tears and blood.
-Streams in the Desert

Categories
Grief

A Very Present Help

He’s helping me now this moment, though I may not see it or hear
Perhaps by a friend far distant, perhaps by a stranger near
Perhaps by a spoken message, perhaps by the printed word
In ways that I know and know not, I have the help of the Lord.
He’s helping me now this moment, however I need it most
Perhaps by a single angel, perhaps by a mighty host
Perhaps by the chain that fetters me or the walls that shut me in
In ways that I know and know not, He keeps me from harm and sin.
He’s guiding me now this moment, in pathways easy or hard
Perhaps by a door wide open, perhaps by a door fast barred
Perhaps by a joy withheld, perhaps by a gladness given
In ways that I know and know not, He’s leading me up to heaven
He’s using me now this moment, and whether I go or stand
Perhaps by a plan accomplished, perhaps when He stays my hand
Perhaps by a word in season, perhaps by a silent prayer
In ways that I know and know not, His labor of love I share

-Annie Johnson Flint