Category: relationships

Worship not a person for a good deed he has done for you.  Be grateful but don’t expect him to be perfect.

On the other hand, curse not a person for a wrong he has done to hurt you.  He may not be perfect, but he still carries the imprint of God’s goodness upon his soul.

Consider how you treat a friend and an enemy.

A person may not be a hundred percent against you, even a mortal enemy.  This person who hates you may really envy you, and hence, likes you or even admires you in some respects.  He may just be afraid to admit it and let you know.

On the other hand, a friend may not totally like you.  You may have common interests and goals, but you may also possess common weaknesses which you both despise.

Having the same dream could also be a joy.  But when one of you achieves that dream and the other doesn’t, there is a possibility that the one who failed may dislike the one who attained success because that one reminds him so much of his own failures.

Life is so much more than dividing people between being one’s friends and enemies, and we certainly don’t live in fairytales where the old ugly witch is always evil and the beautiful princess always has a heart of gold.

We can’t judge by mere physical appearances, nor could we tell a person’s character within the first few meetings we have with them.

Splitting the world between black and white only leaves us color-blind and lacking in true depth for there are other colors we need to see.

Life is a paradox at best.  Have discernment but judge not so easily, for you may only be judging yourself.

 

“My idea of forgiveness is letting go of resentment that does not serve your better interest, ridding yourself of negative thoughts. All they do is make you miserable. Believe me, you can fret and fume all you want, but whoever it was that wronged you is not suffering from your anguish whatsoever.”-  Della Reese

Why is it so hard to forgive?  Why do we feel as though by forgiving someone, we’re doing ourselves some kind of injustice?  Is it really fair to just forgive someone who caused us so much pain?  Don’t they deserve our hatred instead of our forgiveness?

It seems as though only anger is instant and well justified.  It alerts us of danger and gives us the power to protect ourselves.  Forgiveness on the other hand is something we couldn’t easily understand and seems to benefit the offender more than it would benefit us.  But if such is the case, why even think about it?  Could it be because there comes a point in our lives when anger is no longer enough to help us?

What Forgiveness Is Not:

1. Forgiveness is not about denial

One of the first things we must realize is that forgiveness is never about denial.  To deny our hurt is to also deny that there is any need for forgiveness.

There are some people who find it easier to deny rather than to go through the whole process of forgiveness.  They deem it easier to pretend as though nothing has ever happened, no one has ever offended them and they therefore have no responsibility anymore whether to choose forgiveness or not.

Denying however does not really take away the wound caused by the offense.  It doesn’t take away the anger. The anger and the hurt just gets buried, concealed well from sight and hence, hidden away also from healing.

“When a deep injury is done us, we never recover until we forgive” –  Alan Paton quotes

2. Forgiveness is not about forgetting

Forgetting is almost the same as denial such that they are both mechanisms for escape. While denial doesn’t even entertain the idea of getting hurt, forgetting finds no way of dismissing the hurt without also dismissing the lessons learned from one’s pain.

If you say that forgetfulness is all that you need to forgive, it’s like saying your wounds have healed just because you forgot you had them. Wounds don’t heal by forgetting. On the other hand, we need more awareness and consciousness in order to bring about the healing we desire.

“The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget.”- Thomas S. Szasz

3. Forgiveness is not about remaining in an abusive relationship

To forgive someone is not the same as to restore one’s relationship to that person.  It is not the same as remaining in an abusive relationship that causes us harm.

To forgive is to recognize an offense and to seek healing from the wounds caused by that offense.  If we have truly recognized the cause for our wounds, we wouldn’t want to just forget about everything and continue in a relationship that only causes us pain.  We can forgive but we are not obliged to continue trusting in the person who cannot respect us and give us the love we truly deserve.

4. Forgiveness is not about the absence of justice

Being able to forgive someone doesn’t mean that the person would no longer suffer the consequences of his actions.  We may let go of our anger for that person, we may understand, but that doesn’t mean the offender can continue to enjoy our friendship the way he used to.  The restoration of a relationship is very different from the healing of a wound that needs to be forgiven.

Justice is letting that person suffer the natural consequences of his actions in order for him to learn and make way for change.  Even if we do not impose punishment upon them, even if we forgive, justice will still find its way.  The first consequence is the loss of our friendship.  The succeeding consequences are the loss of his other relationships if he continues to be the way he is.

The other form of justice benefits the one who is offended.  How?  By forgiving and letting go of one’s hurts, the offended renders justice unto himself.  He becomes good to himself and does not remain unfair to himself by carrying all the emotional weight caused by the offense.

“Never does the human soul appear so strong as when it foregoes revenge and dares to forgive an injury” –  Edwin Hubbel Chapin

What Forgiveness Is:

1. Forgiveness is seeking healing from someone who can give it to you.

The problem with unforgiveness is that it seeks healing from the same person who caused us pain.  We think that with our anger, we can force the offender to apologize and to make up for all the wrong things he has done to us.  But such a path of thinking only gives our power away to someone who is least capable of healing us.  How can we expect him to change in a very short span of time and make a complete turnaround from being a villain to being an angel of healing?

What if he doesn’t change? Does it mean we’re already doomed in our pain?  Does it mean our happiness depends upon his hands alone?

“Forgiveness is no longer expecting healing from the same person who caused you pain.”

It is not about denying your hurt; it isn’t even about forgetting the wrong done against you.  But it’s in ceasing to ask something from someone who isn’t capable of giving you what you’re asking for.

Forgiveness does not start with the offender.  It doesn’t start when he says he is sorry for causing you pain.

Forgiveness starts when you choose to forgive that person without any cooperation on his part.  Forgiveness starts with acknowledging that it is within your power to forgive and to seek healing from the right people God sends your way.

“Sincere forgiveness isn’t colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don’t worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time.” –  Sara Paddison

Quite often, we couldn’t recognize the support available to us because we’re only focused with the offender.  When we decide to forgive, we take our eyes off of him and begin to see other sources of healing and even love.  There is always help available for us.  Even in times when we think nobody is there for us, God is always there, ready to comfort us in our darkest hours and guide us towards healing.  Who else could know the path of healing other than Him who also knew pain?  When Jesus suffered for us, didn’t he open the way for us to approach Him in our hurts?

Could anyone nourish anger against his fellows and expect healing from the LORD? – Sirach 28:3

2. Forgiveness is an act of mercy (towards self and the offender)

Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. Matthew 5:7

What is an act of mercy? It is to give someone that which he doesn’t truly deserve.  It is to acknowledge that power comes not from the one who receives but from the one who is able to give.

“He that cannot forgive others, breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass if he would ever reach heaven; for everyone has need to be forgiven.” – George Herbert

Everyone has faults and imperfections.  It may be true that in our eyes, the offender has greater faults and deserves just punishment, but aren’t we all guilty also of sin one way or the other?  If our perspective about sin is that it should always be punished, then we are only condemning ourselves.

Notice how harsh we’ve often been not only to others but to ourselves.  When we give no room for people including ourselves to make mistakes, we give ourselves no room to breathe or to be loved.  Justice is but the minimum requirement for relationships, but it is only in mercy and forgiveness where we can find the fullness of love.

“He who is devoid of the power to forgive, is devoid of the power to love.” – Martin Luther King, Jr.

3. Forgiveness is letting God, trusting both in His justice and His mercy.

When we forgive, we let go of a lot of our burdens, and this includes our desire to render to our offender what he deserves.  Does he deserve punishment for his offense? Does he deserve mercy? Does he deserve a new opportunity to change?  Only God knows.

If we concern ourselves about such things, we’d only be carrying a weight we couldn’t bear.  All that we should care about is our healing, trusting that God would be the one to take care of the other things, including the life of the one who hurt us.

“Forgiveness is the answer to the child’s dream of a miracle by which what is broken is made whole again, what is soiled is made clean again.” –  Dag Hammarskjold

4. Forgiveness is moving on towards freedom.

“When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.” –  Catherine Ponder

Forgiveness is freeing yourself from all the negative emotions that bind you to your offender, to your past, and to your wound.  Without forgiveness, you would always be looking back to that time of pain and suffering.  You would live your life as if all your days were days of anguish spent with the one who hurt you.

No matter how you want to, you could no longer change the past.  We could only learn from it and hope that we become better people who are now stronger and wiser to face the new challenges coming our way.  Our fate doesn’t stop with one tragedy.  As long as we’re alive, we have the chance to move our lives closer to our desires.  We can do something.  We can set ourselves free and move on.

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” – Lewis B. Smedes

We start to think about forgiveness when everything else we’ve tried including hate and revenge could no longer work for our good.  Our health may have suffered.  Our relationships may have been affected.  Our dreams may have been put on hold all because we couldn’t let go of our past hurts.

The first step to forgiveness is not to deny that we’ve been hurt but to acknowledge how wounded we were.  It shouldn’t stop there however.  We should then seek for healing from those who are ready to support us until we’re able to start again.

To forgive is to be kind to ourselves and to all of those who truly care for us.  It is to release ourselves from burdens God has already decided to place upon His shoulders.

Forgiveness isn’t easy, but it’s more difficult to continue living in a downward spiral of negative emotions where there is no hope for change nor redemption.  The path to forgiveness is the more courageous path.  It is taking one brave step at a time towards freedom and true happiness.

Heaven is forgiveness. Being forgiven. And being able to forgive. Forgiveness brings peace. Forgiveness unites us and builds bridges where we once built walls. Forgiveness allows us to lay down our burdens, our guilt, our anger. When we finally find healing and wholeness, we find forgiveness as well. Forgiveness is what we call as heaven.

“To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love. In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness.” – Robert Muller

The above article is an excerpt from my book MEND MY BROKEN HEART(read more…) .

This article should have been titled “How To Increase Your Self-Esteem”, but I decided that instead of merely INCREASING one’s self-esteem, one should HEAL it completely in such a way as to forever cast away one’s futile efforts of increasing something that can never really be increased enough as to satisfy our wants.

To say that our self-esteem is low is to compare it to something higher.  But to be able to attain that higher degree could only mean that there is still something beyond that.  How high is high enough?  How much increase is really necessary?  In truth, it is not an increase in self esteem that we should aim for, but a complete healing of our wounded sense of self worth.

You Need To Rebuild From The Ground Up

Before we could attain true healing, we must first recognize our wounds. Before we could rebuild our sense of worth, we must first acknowledge how broken it really is.

Where is your self esteem founded? How firm is that foundation from which it is currently built?

Are you confident because you are beautiful? But what if you mingle among others who are more beautiful than you?  And for how long will you stay that way?  What happens when you grow old and that beauty fades?

Are you secure with your success? What if the business or the reputation you’ve built suddenly falls?  What are you worth by then?  For how long could you hold on to your riches?  Can you still enjoy any of it as your body rots in the grave?

All our efforts of increasing our self esteem is futile for in the end, all such efforts lead only to fear, the fear of losing everything we have ever gained.

There Is a Different Way to Heal

The healing of our wounds can no longer depend on the external actions we take such as working harder, eating healthier, or studying longer hours.  The only way to healing is to be healed from within because our wounds are not wounds of the body, but of the soul.

Deep in one’s soul, we feel a great emptiness and uncertainty.  We feel compelled to measure up to the standards of other people while at the same time, not being able to measure up to our own sense of wholeness.

We try to be strong, yet it seems we could never be strong enough.  We even try to be good, but we could never be holy enough.  We are always followed by our sense of shame, and so we hide ourselves with masks of perfection and of beauty.   Beyond that mask however, we feel inadequate, and we feel tired of trying over and over again.

How We Could Achieve Healing

Healing begins when we STOP our frantic efforts to keep up with others.  Healing begins when we are able to face our worst pictures of ourselves and still believe that we are worth something.

What are you worth?

You are worth more than you ever thought yourself to be.  You are worth more than your body or your intelligence or your strength.  You are worth more than your success and your riches.  These things are given you but they are not the essence of who you are.

Your real worth is your likeness to God Himself. It is that spark which came from ancient times, that breath which made you think and move and love.

Because you can be a vessel of God’s joy, you are worth something.  Because you can be an object of His love, you are worth so much more than all the stars combined.

Your worth is not in what you possess, but in Him who possesses you.

Your worth is not in how you can cover up your imperfections, but in how God can make you perfect by receiving all that He could ever give to you.

Only in losing everything can you realize how broken you are.  But only in being broken can you be healed by knowing how valuable you are to the only One who can heal you.

Below are common areas of our self esteem’s woundedness.  Let us try to find their healing by bringing them to the light of God’s love for us.

Common Areas of Our Woundedness

1. Beauty

Even the most beautiful among us will grow old someday.  The beauty that we envy now is but a fleeting joy.  Others are not more worthy to be loved just because they are beautiful.  We become beautiful because of God’s great love for us.

2. Intelligence

Our intellect, no matter how advanced it may be is nothing as compared with the minds of angels.  And angels, no matter how great their wisdom may be is nothing as compared to the depths of God’s wisdom.  God can grant us an insight we could never find in all the books of the world, but this is not the reason why we should feel more worthy or less worthy in His Presence.

3. Strength

We have but a limited time on earth. The healthiest and the strongest among us cannot even live beyond two centuries.  To base our worth with our physical strength is to look down on people just because they are disabled or sick or dying.  Every man has God’s dignity in him no matter his physical strength.

4. Wealth/Success

The material things we own will someday rot and decay.  Nothing can last forever except God’s love.  Wealth does not indicate that one man is better than the other for we know not where such wealth has come from.  One man may be silently accomplishing God’s will in His life and reaping eternal fruits that have not yet been revealed in the current time.

5. Social Skills

Other people may be better at mingling in social events and in communicating with other people.  They appear attractive, they attract the admiration of many.  But not everyone who is praised is really good.  Many are even criticized for standing up for the truth.   There are people who are not adept at socializing with other men, but in their silent prayers, they can reach God’s Presence, and in this, they can find their joy.

6. Talent

What is talent?  It is but a gift from God, and for this, no one should boast.  Each one is given a unique gift for in truth, we are God’s wonderful gift to each other.  Let each one mind his own and improve the gift he is given.

7. Goodness/ Holiness

Only God is good.  No person is really holy no matter how good he or she appears to be.  If we had no need to be saved from ourselves, Jesus wouldn’t have died for us all.  Let none boast therefore that he is kinder or braver or more patient.  We do not earn God’s love with our goodness.  We become good because God has guided us patiently towards the path of His goodness.  All that we can offer God is our gratitude for all the MERCY that we have been given.

Words are powerful.  They could lift us up towards healing, or they could wound us like sharp swords that pierce our hearts.

Which words have such a painful effect upon us and that leaves us feeling worthless and shattered after hearing them?  Which people have the power to utter those words that often leave us broken and defeated?

There are three things that contribute to criticisms that hurt us deeply:

1. The Criticism That Touches a Wound

Words that are totally untrue rarely have the power to hurt us.  We hurt because we felt some truth to the criticisms hurled against us.  Such criticisms may not be totally true, but they may point towards a truth we’ve always wanted to hide or to some related weakness that we haven’t been able to address so far.

Note that some of these weaknesses may not even exist in reality, but if we perceive them to exist or to matter to us, the wounds exist, and they hurt whenever they are touched.

For example, we may think we’re not good-looking enough and words said about our appearance trigger some feelings of insecurity.  In truth, we may not really look that bad, but when we believe that we’re not attractive, we’d always feel attacked whenever somebody tries to make fun of our appearance.

2. The Criticism That Comes From a Person Valuable to Us

It is the people who are closest to us whom we count on the most.  We expect them to protect us, to defend us from people who may look down on us, and to guard the vulnerabilities we have revealed to them.

Once they start criticizing us, we immediately feel the intensity of the impact of their words.  We may feel like we’re being attacked by those whom we trusted with our greatest secrets, including the weaknesses we have hidden from everyone else.

Weren’t they supposed to be the ones who would understand us the most?  Weren’t they the ones who should believe in us despite the imperfections that they see in us?

3. The Criticism That Comes From Someone Credible

Criticisms have a greater impact when uttered by those we deem as credible in the area where we are being criticized.  For example, if we are joining a singing contest, it is the judge who also happens to be a great singer, who has the power to affect us with her words of praise or disapproval regarding our singing ability.

They may not always be right, but since we have already given them our belief in their particular area of expertise, we easily consider their words as true.

 

Once all three factors exist at the same time, the more will be our hurt and our difficulty in trying to move on from said criticisms.  For example, maybe we feel insecure about our intelligence, and we have been criticized as being stupid or shallow.  What would make it worse is when that criticism comes from a person we love, such as a life partner, and more so if that person is one whom we consider as possessing a high degree of intelligence.

 

In such instances, how do we deal with the criticisms that deeply hurt our self-esteem?

1. Find Healing For Our Wounds

Hurts caused by criticisms may be opportunities for us to discover the wounds we have.  This in turn may give us the chance to heal and to be more at peace with who we are.

2. See The Intention of The Person Criticizing Us

If the person criticizing us is someone we love, let us try to look at their intentions for doing so.  In truth, they may only want us to improve so we can have better lives and because they really care about us.

If however, we find out that the people criticizing us have all the wrong intentions, such as really feeling envious and desire only to put us down, then we can learn to protect ourselves from them and not let their words affect our self worth.

3. Know That Nobody’s Perfect

Even if the people who criticize us are credible, let us remember that nobody is really perfect.  They could be wrong.  Or they could also have the wrong intentions.  If they are right however, let us use their criticisms constructively so we could grow and reach our full potential.

Intimacy makes us vulnerable and can open up many of our wounds, prompting us to address them.  In this way, many of us fear intimacy.

But unless we open up ourselves and reveal to others even our hurts and our fears, all that we’d end up building are superficial relationships.  These relationships rob us of our opportunity to be really happy because they only leave us empty in the end, unable to fill our loneliness and our need to be truly loved from the very core of who we are.

We need people who can be there for us even when we’re not okay.  We need those who can see our imperfections and still believe in the gift of our being.  We need to be allowed to be weak, to make some mistakes, and to stumble as we persevere in striving to reach for our full potential.  We need those who can be strong enough to see us fall, who can trust us enough that we will get up and rise again, wiser and stronger for all the trials that we’ve been through.

Others may have already failed us in the past, but may this not deter us from trusting again the right people who are ready to support us, to be intimate with us, and to love us for who we really are.

 

IT’S OKAY NOT TO BE OKAY
At times it’s okay not to be okay,
Come here and cry your tears away,
There’s someone who understands.

The world’s not always a safe place to be,
and this life’s not always kind;
At times you’d fall,
At times you’d cry,
At times you’d need
a helping hand.

Forget your troubles for a while,
and let your mind be still;
Lay down your burdens,
Lay down your cares,
Cast out your worries,
and your fears.

It’s okay though you’ve made some mistakes,
that’s what forgiveness is for;
It’s okay if you’re not perfect yet,
for you are still loved.
You can lay down your guard,
You can breathe out in relief,
You can rest, you can hide,
You can be weak,
No one will judge you,
No one will cast you away.

Weep with all your heart,
Cry with all of your tears,
There’s someone near,
There’s someone who understands.