Dear Joyce,
I’ve recently found out that my husband has had an affair working abroad. When he came home for vacation, I confronted him. The first reaction of course was denial. After providing him the proof that I found, he told me that he didn’t love the girl but only had a relationship with her for “financial gain”, saying that she was a client of his buying gadgets from him & also that he wanted to boost his ego & see if he can still attract other women. I told him to end his affair in front of me by calling the other woman. He hesitated for a while & said that it wasn’t her fault but his. To make it easier for him, I decided to call her instead. I spoke to her in front of him. I found out that she didn’t know he was married & has a family. I told her the truth & asked her to just stay away now that she knows. After all this, my husband asked for forgiveness & another chance to make things right. I said yes of course because I love him so very much & for the sake of our children. However, now that he is back there, I have all these doubts & anger inside me. I am always sad & depressed & I’m having a hard time moving about & doing the normal routine I do as a housewife. Everytime my husband & I talk, I always end up fighting him & being miserable. My husband is very sad & I feel that he is getting frustrated with what is going on. Joyce, I am very angry & still hurting from what he did. I can’t seem to forget & truly forgive him. Yet I still very much love him & don’t want to lose him. I don’t know what to do. How & where do I start to move on. I am just so broken right now. Please help me. Thank you so much.
Sincerely,
Jewel
RESPONSE FROM JOYCE
Dear Jewel,
I admire you for your courage to fight for your love and for your family, and for your willingness to forgive and to keep the relationship. It’s not an easy challenge that you’re going through. It will take much effort, prayers and cooperation between you and your husband to be able to restore what has been broken. It will also take time and lots of patience. The important thing is the progress that you see each day and the desire within you why you want to make this relationship work.
If it is possible, you may want to work with a marriage counselor near your place so that both you and your husband can receive periodic counselling and monitor the development of your relationship. It is good to have a third party, someone else whose opinion you can both respect and listen to, because it’s sometimes hard if it is just between the two of you. A pastor or a priest can also do, or a common friend who knows you both.
You should have a heart to heart talk again with your husband in order to set your expectations on your relationship. There should be a common understanding of what hurt was caused, and how you’re going to deal with the problem from day to day.
Your husband should keep in mind that he needs to be patient with you until he is able to gain your trust again. On the other hand, you should give him more opportunities to prove himself and to regain your trust again. Know that all these will take time, and for the moment, forgiveness and patience should be the anchor of your relationship.
I know that in all these, you might still feel that nagging feeling of betrayal and rejection. You shouldn’t deny feeling them, but you should be able to address them. In my article WHAT IS THE MEANING OF A HEARTBREAK, I’ve mentioned how we could deal with our feelings of being rejected and betrayed.
It is said that love covers a multitude of wrongs, so it is best to be able to give more attention also to your love for each other. Try to remember what made you fall in love with each other in the first place. Take note of the good things that you see, that made your hearts skip whenever you saw each other before. Find that seed and then let it grow slowly again. Do not force it, just let it grow naturally in time.
I wish you all the best in your relationship! When it comes to the point of becoming too painful, maybe you should give each other some space alone in order to give yourselve time to heal and recover, so that later on, you may have the time to try again. Ask always for God’s guidance and wisdom. Be blessed!
Kind Regards,
JOYCE
The thing about hope is that it’s a positive force that shines the most when it’s dark. When everything’s going well, we hardly notice it’s there. But when things go against us, when our dreams fade and when we see no immediate reprieve from our troubles, that’s when hope does its best work for us.
"Where Hope Can Be Found"