When your strength fails, I will be your strength.
When your faith fails, I will be your faith.
When even your love fails, my love will be enough.
I’m not letting you go,
I’m giving you space and time to heal,
I’m giving me the space and time
to be strong enough for the both of us.
Relationships are blessings because they give us the people who will love us and whom we shall also love in return. But what if a time comes when we’re the only ones left who are capable of giving love? In today’s letter, we read about someone who needs to be strong enough in order to do what’s best not only for herself but also for the one she loves.
LETTER TO JOYCE
Hi Ms. Joyce
I really need someone to talk to.. I can’t open up to my family about my problem. The past few months me and my husband where talking about things we need to discuss together..I asked him to find a job and i will help him coz nahihiya na ako sa mga mom in law ko who’s been supporting us for the past 4 years. I talked to him calmly.. But the last 2 weeks i never bothered him about it for i didn’t see any willingness to work, coz he wants daw to build a business which his parents can’t afford to give him a capital. Last Thursday we had a big fight, and to my surprise he suddenly slapped me in the face in front of many people..(which he never did to me..This is the first time that it happened) i was terrified i ran to our room and stayed there..After an hour i talked to my mom in law i told her i want to go home.(she knows about what happen)and she said No.. I told her ok, i will stay here but i will not share a room with your son.. Coz i don’t want to wake up every morning seeing his face, traumatized and afraid for my life, coz he threatened to kill me.. Until now 3 days had passed, we haven’t talk to each other, we live in two separate room.. Everytime i see him, it hurts me and i hate him so much that i can’t handle him anymore… Im always crying and i can’t take it anymore..
From Ivory
RESPONSE FROM JOYCE
Dear Ivory,
Thank you for writing and for sharing your concerns. When it is our loved ones who hurt us, we suffer more because we expect them to be the ones to defend us and take care of us. We also feel so alone, because if the people whom we count on to cannot be there for us, who will? It’s natural to feel hurt and surprised, even to be afraid, because your husband did something that you never expected him to do.
On the other hand, your husband may also be suffering in ways you are not fully aware of. The last four years may have affected his self confidence a lot and he may feel worthless as a person. He may just be as lost as you are, and he doesn’t know the next thing he should do. It is very hard to fail the person whom we loved most, and it must really hurt your husband to fail you and not to be able to provide for you. This does not mean however that what he did is excusable or justifiable. He has the responsibility to choose his actions. He must find a way to know what’s blocking him from making a difference in his life. Whether it is pride or ego of not accepting some kinds of jobs, he should be able to overcome it himself if he desires to be able to continue to love his family.
There are things that your husband must need to acknowledge and to do for himself. There are some wounds which only he can uncover and allow to be healed.
There are some things which you can do for him, but you can’t do everything. You can support him and cheer him on, but you can’t be responsible for his own life. What you can do is to be responsible for yours.
Sometimes, we really need the space to allow this healing to take place. There are some wounds that are so deep in our hearts which only God can heal, and God can’t work on our healing for as long as we depend on others to do for us what only God can do.
You also have your own wounds, and sad to say, your husband in not in his right condition right now to help you heal them. Could it be that you really need time and space away from each other so you could stop expecting what the other person couldn’t give the other for now? Could it be that you need this time so you could both think about the past and what you could do to change the future?
If you feel that you really need this time to heal, I believe nobody should keep you from doing so, even your mother in law. Being together physically doesn’t mean that your relationship is also ok. Sometimes, distance helps us to miss the person, to know how we hurt them and to think of ways to grow so we can love them more and avoid causing them pain.
During such a time, do know you’re never alone because God is with you and He will do for you what other people could never do. He knows you better and His love is strong enough to embrace you in your deepest hurts. God bless you!
Yours In Prayer,
Joyce
Check Jocelyn's books:
"Of Waves and Butterflies: Poems on Grief", "Mend My Broken Heart", "Questions to God", "To Love an Invisible God", "Defending My Catholic Faith", and more - click here.
(You may freely quote excerpts from this website as long as due credit is given to author Jocelyn Soriano and the website itakeoffthemask.com)