“In every friendship hearts grow and entwine themselves together, so that the two hearts seem to make only one heart with only a common thought. That is why separation is so painful; it is not so much two hearts separating, but one being torn asunder.”- Fulton J. Sheen

When we were kids, I think a friend is that one person we get to love for real outside of our family. It is from this person that we learn how to like and how to be liked. It is from this person that we learn the meaning of “trust”. When we grew up, however, the word love referred more and more to that “special someone”, a girlfriend or a boyfriend we feel we’d give our lives for no matter what.

Maybe this is the reason why “broken hearts” almost always meant breakups with one’s romantic partner. It’s as though our hearts could never be broken by anyone else. It’s as though we couldn’t suffer more whenever we lose a friend.

If you have experienced losing both, however, would you agree? Was it any less painful when you’ve lost your friend?

Digging from my own experience, I can say this: that I have wept more and anguished more over losing a friend than over losing a boyfriend. I have spent more sleepless nights over friendships lost than over romantic relationships that failed. Losing a boyfriend was painful, but losing a friend made me question what human relationships were supposed to be about.

What is a friend?

“The typical expression of opening Friendship would be something like, ‘What? You too? I thought I was the only one.’” — C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

To find a friend is to find someone like myself, someone who is very similar, yet a bit different somehow. It is to see a soul that is almost like a mirror of my own, a soul who can see things in almost the same way that I see it.

This is one reason why friendships are so vital. Friends help validate our perspective about life and the world we live in. They help us see the meaning we seek. They help us find the truth we’re looking for.

And that is why all the other qualities that other people say about friends depend only on this very foundation. They say that friendship is trust. But how do you trust someone who cannot share the core of who you believe you are? They say that friendship is camaraderie. But how could anyone be a good company to you when they cannot look into your soul?

Friends understand one another’s soul, that’s the full meaning of it. And that’s why it’s so painful to lose them. For what would you do once your soul could no longer be one?

“In this kind of love… ‘Do you love me?’ means ‘Do you see the same truth?’” — C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

How do we lose our friends?

If friends share the same soul, how then do we lose a part of our souls? How does it happen? When do friendships really end?

1. The problem of distance

“Go often to the house of thy friend; for weeds soon choke up the unused path.” — Scandinavian Mythology

One of the most common reasons for losing friends is physical distance. It’s when we need to go to another school or another town. It’s when we need to live elsewhere so we could follow our dreams.

We may not want it to happen, but whenever we decide to live far from our friends, we’re also putting our friendships at the risk of being torn apart. Maybe it doesn’t happen abruptly. We convince ourselves that we could still see each other now and then. We also tell ourselves that much has changed with the world’s technology, and we can still communicate with each other in a heartbeat wherever we may be.

But distance changes things. It changes our friendships slowly. It weakens it without our awareness until that day when we finally realize how it has claimed some of the most valuable friendships we’ve ever had.

“Friendship is the greatest of worldly goods. Certainly to me it is the chief happiness of life. If I had to give a piece of advice to a young man about a place to live, I think I should say, ‘sacrifice almost everything to live where you can be near your friends.’” — C. S. Lewis

2. The problem of outgrowing one another

“Friends are people who go on conspiratorial shopping sprees together, diving in and out of shops totally beyond their price range, and ending up eating oozing cream cakes with only just enough money to get home.” — Pam Brown

There are times when it’s not the physical distance that separates us from our friends but the distance of our growth as individuals. People change. Along the way, we discover dreams we never thought we had. Sometimes, we have to adapt to our present struggles and we change our priorities.

When your relationship with your friend was formed, you were walking along the same path, and most probably, you were also walking toward the same destination. You may both be carefree and fun-loving, not minding at all what would happen in the future. One day, however, you just realize that one of you has changed. Your friend may have decided to take life more seriously and you miss all the exciting things you did together. You miss the times you could just laugh and play without any worries.

It could also happen that you just wake up one day not knowing what you and your friend could enjoy doing together. You want to go to the movies, but you remember that your friend told you how she never really enjoys watching them anymore. You may want to visit your favorite library, but your friend often excuses herself because she would go trekking or mountain-climbing with her other friends.

Through the years, we may discover different paths. We may develop new hobbies and lose our common interests. We may also find out how we’ve grown into totally different kinds of people.

The friendship struggles because we could no longer stand by each other the way we did before. One day, we may gain the momentum to walk a bit faster, moving on without our friend. It could also be the other way around, and we’re the ones left behind. No matter how painful, we learn to move on and let go.

“We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations.” ? Anais Nin

3. The problem of misunderstanding

“One of the most beautiful qualities of true friendship is to understand and to be understood.” — Lucius Annaeus Seneca

Though friends often have many things in common, they also have unique personalities and perspectives. One person may be more introverted than the other. Another may appreciate taking more risks, which the other may not understand. Friends don’t always have to agree with each other, but they do have to learn how to work out their differences.

The problem comes when two people who used to think they understood each other could no longer continue to do so. Sometimes it starts with a simple word that could no longer be taken back, a word that leaves a lasting and unfavorable impression upon the other. Sometimes it starts with a friend’s failure to help us in times of need.

How many times have we felt let down just when we needed our friend’s support? How many times have we felt it isn’t safe anymore to share our dreams without being criticized?

Some friends argue all the time yet end up closer than before. Some friends, however, fail to overcome their differences. They discover things they never thought they would. They hear words that forever leave a gap that neither friends are able to cross.

“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand.” — Henri J.M. Nouwen

4. The problem of death

“We call that person who has lost his father, an orphan; and a widower that man who has lost his wife. But that man who has known the immense unhappiness of losing a friend, by what name do we call him? Here every language is silent and holds its peace in impotence.” — Joseph Roux

Physical distance can be crossed; emotional and intellectual misunderstandings may one day be healed. But what about dying? What if a friend must say farewell forever and you could see him no more?

What do you do when you find yourself in a restaurant you both enjoyed? When you find yourself walking toward your favorite spot at the park?

You watch a sitcom you both enjoyed and you miss that one person who could laugh along with you. You look at your desk and you see that book she has urged you to read so many times.

You miss that friend whom you could argue with and reconcile with as though nothing has ever come between you. You miss her to whom you have shared your deepest fears, your first heartbreak, your perennial whines about work.

Death takes away all things, even friends. The problem with death is that it takes away a part of your soul where you could no longer find it. Augustine of Hippo couldn’t have described it better in the following quote:

“I was amazed that other mortals went on living when he was dead whom I had loved as though he would never die, and still more amazed that I could go on living myself when he was dead — I, who had been like another self to him. It was well said that a friend is half one’s own soul. I felt that my soul and his had been but one soul in two bodies, and I shrank from life with loathing because I could not bear to be only half alive; and perhaps I was so afraid of death because I did not want the whole of him to die, whom I had loved so dearly.”

5. The problem of betrayal

When a friend dies, you at least have the consolation of her memories. Had she been alive, you know you’d still be friends. But what about someone who betrays your friendship? What about someone who has made a mockery of something you’ve cherished so much?

“It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend.”- William Blake

When a friend turns against us, we’re immediately gripped with the most troubling thoughts and emotions. Why has she done this to me? Was she not someone who believed in me? Was she not the friend whom I have trusted with all my heart?

I have revealed to her everything: my joys and sorrows, my fears and doubts, my virtues and sins. She has seen it all and I thought she has loved me despite all that, loved me without my mask. After this betrayal, I no longer know what to think. Has she been laughing at me all this time?

The hour of loss

“Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.”? Kahlil Gibran

I think friends are like stars

Some fade away slowly, others are gone in an instant. Whichever it may be, they take away the light they gave and often leave us alone in the dark. People sometimes don’t understand what it’s like. They don’t know why we grieve when there are a hundred million stars left in the heavens.

Of course, they’re right! But no matter how many there still are, none of them were ours. It was not a nameless star that has just vanished. It was a friend, a dear friend, and when they break our hearts with their absence, we often don’t know where to start.

What do you do when you lose a friend?

1. Accept the loss

“For after all, the best thing one can do when it is raining is let it rain.”? Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Acceptance of the loss of our friendship doesn’t mean forgetting everything. It doesn’t mean we regret all the years we’ve spent trying to make that friendship work.

One way of looking at acceptance is our ability to see things in another way. It means leaving behind what could never be, or what never was. It means looking forward to what can still be, and to what has always been true.

For those who have been hurt, acceptance is letting go of the need to oblige someone else to pay you back. For those who have been abandoned, it means opening up your heart again instead of expecting someone to return from the past. For those who grieve for a dear friend’s passing, it means letting the good memories heal the silence of your loss.

2. Forgive

“When a deep injury is done us, we never recover until we forgive” — Alan Paton

Whatever may be the reason for the end of one’s friendship, we need to seek a path toward forgiveness.

We forgive those who took our friendship for granted. We forgive those who have deserted us just when we needed them most. We forgive those who have hurt us more than our enemies ever could.

We also forgive ourselves for our shortcomings. We forgive ourselves for forgetting, for not caring enough, for taking for granted all of those times we should have been there for our friends.

Life is too short to live with a grudge. Forgiveness alone opens the door toward new beginnings.

3. Cherish the good

There are times when it’s hard to recall the good things. When you’ve been hurt so much, all you could see is your pain. Many times, you don’t even want to look back. Why look back? Why be hurt again by the betrayal of a friend? Or why remember the happy times when you could no longer bring them back?

We look back because there is some good in the past we do not want to lose. We look back because we want to keep the happiness we’ve found, and the lessons we’ve learned, lessons that have shaped us into the kind of person we are today.

There is some good in everyone. There is something to cherish even in friendships that broke your heart in two.

4. Cry

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.” — Washington Irving

Something happens when we allow our tears to flow. Somehow, crying helps release the hurts we’ve been keeping for far too long. Hurts we’ve buried so deeply we hardly knew they were there. As we undergo the process of healing, there are times when we must yield to our tears so we can start moving on.

Cry then for the friend who betrayed your trust. Cry for those who have forgotten. Cry for those whom you will never forget.

“The world breaks everyone and afterwards many are strong at the broken places.” — Ernest Hemmingway

5. Get in touch with other friends

It is my hope that you have other people left who care for you. One friend may have hurt you. Some others may have forgotten you. But if there are still some who can be there for you, do keep in touch with them and let them know how important they are in your life.

They may never fill that space in your heart that your other friend has left, but they can remind you that you are still loved.

6. Have patience; it takes time to heal

“Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it’s all over.” — Octavia Butler

It takes time to heal. There are good days when you’d feel as though you’d have moved on already, and then there are days when you’d feel sad again, days you’d still miss them so badly it hurts. Have patience then. Let time do its part in healing you.

7. Make new friends

“Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.” — Anaïs Nin

Losing a dear friend often affects the way we look at things.

If we have been betrayed, we may conclude that making friends is no longer worth it and that it’s too difficult to start trusting people again.

If a dear friend has died, we may fear losing yet another one. We may just want to be alone and avoid the pain of loss altogether.

What we must remember is that we could never know what happens if we never try. People are different. Circumstances also change. What happened before could never tell what could happen next.

Let us not hinder our painful experiences from making us enjoy true friendship. Who knows? He or she may just be waiting for you all along.

Other things that could help

1. Keep a journal

After losing a friend, we need time to sort out our thoughts and emotions. Sometimes, there are people who could listen to us without judging us complicating things. Sometimes, however, we need to process things on our own.

Keeping a journal can help us process our complex thoughts and emotions. It can help us vent out our anger, concretize our fears, or even list the things we can do to move on.

2. Write a poem

Poems can help us put into words some feelings that are too deep to say. They need not be perfect; they need not even rhyme! What’s important is that we’re able to express how we feel.

3. Stay away from social media

Social media can remind us a lot about the friends we lost, especially when the loss has just happened. We may need to isolate ourselves for a while as we start the process of healing.

4. Be ready when meeting mutual friends

We need to be ready when meeting our mutual friends, especially when our friendship has ended from a misunderstanding or betrayal. We may be tempted to vent out our emotions and thereby say things we may regret later on. We may also feel disheartened when our other friends take sides. If we can’t avoid meeting them, we have to be ready when the time comes to talk with them again.

5. Find a new hobby

Hobbies help us forget our worries even for a while. The problem is when our hobbies are the same ones that remind us of our lost friend! We may need to explore new things and make new hobbies. Try to find different activities that could interest you and take away your stress.

6. Keep yourself busy with volunteer work

Aside from hobbies, we may also busy ourselves with charitable and other volunteer works. Helping other people oftentimes helps us forget our own troubles.

7. Improve your self-esteem

Losing friends oftentimes affect our self-esteem. We may wonder why we were not valued or why we were betrayed. Did we deserve the loss of our friendships? This is the best time to take care of yourself and protect yourself from depressing over matters you could no longer control.

You may have made some mistakes, but you have also tried to be a good friend. You may have failed some people, but that doesn’t mean you could no longer grow.

8. Choose new friends wisely

“Throw your dreams into space like a kite, and you do not know what it will bring back, a new life, a new friend, a new love, a new country.” ? Anais Nin

We need to be careful in choosing our friends. After coming out of a broken friendship, we must also be wiser in choosing those to whom we should pledge our loyalty. Whenever you try to make new friends, you can ask yourself, “Are these the ones I could give my life for? Do I merely enjoy their company, or do I believe they’re the ones who could help me become a better person?”

“There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.” — Jane Austen

Has your friendship really died?

Here is one final takeaway. Before we could ever move on, we need to answer the question, “Was our friendship really over?”

We need to know if we could still save our friendship. Somehow, we need to find out for ourselves if the friendship has ended without our control or if we can still do something about it. And if we could, would we want to?

Here are some steps we could take in giving friendship one last chance:

1. Think about what went wrong

Some friendships have faded slowly throughout the years. Though you have grown apart over time, you can ask yourself if you could still revive such friendships. It may not be easy, but it may be easier to do so rather than to start over with a new friend.

For friendships that have ended abruptly, we can think about what kind of misunderstanding has taken place. Is it just a matter of being able to see the other person’s perspective? Are there irreconcilable differences? Could trust no longer be regained?

2. Reach out

When you have realized that a friendship can still be repaired, you can make the necessary measures to mend what has been broken.

If your friend is trying to apologize, you can accept his apology after he has regained your trust. On the other hand, if you were the one at fault, you can admit your shortcomings and be the one to extend your apologies to your friend.

Sometimes, no apologies are required anymore. All that’s needed is an appropriate time and place to know each other again.

3. Wait

After trying to reach out, the next step could be to simply wait for your friend to think about the matter. This is especially true when you’re the one trying to reconcile with her. Though the mind can understand logically, the heart often takes time to mend, especially when the hurt was deep.

4. Decide to let it go

After exploring all avenues for reconciliation, you may learn that the friendship could no longer be saved. You must then decide to let it go and move on. You must then decide to heal.

Failure to revive a friendship doesn’t mean utter defeat. You have learned much from the process, and you can now be a better friend. You can also choose more wisely now. You have another chance of establishing a friendship that could last a lifetime.

“Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort, of feeling safe with a person; having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but to pour them all out just as they are, chaff and grain together, knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then, with the breath of kindness, blow the rest away.” — George Eliot

Final thoughts

We can only lose a friend if we have truly gained a friend. We weep because we have laughed. We feel our hearts torn apart because we have loved.

Having a friend may not always be celebrated as much as having a lover. But without friendships, what would this world become? How would our lives be?

It is in the presence of our friends that we experience life in its fullness. It is through our struggles together that we become better human beings.

I wish that every person could have at least one true friend, a friend who would know one’s heart and soul, a friend who would not hesitate to lay down one’s life for the sake of those whom he loves.

“For what purpose, then, do I make a man my friend? In order to have someone for whom I may die, whom I may follow into exile, against whose death I may stake my own life, and pay the pledge, too.” — Seneca

“Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.” — John 15:13, WEB-BE

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