For most of us, a certain pattern seems to repeat itself. We fall in love with the wrong person, we get hurt, and then we fall in love again with someone who will only hurt us in the end. Our pain becomes deeper because the people we’ve counted on to heal us only brought us greater disappointments and hurts.
Eventually, we feel there’s something terribly wrong with us, the reason why we can’t be loved or even respected, the reason why people always leave us in the end.
In our desperation, we cling to the only available person who can be there for us, even if that person cannot treat us well. In some cases, we make our own illusions about the person, ideals we project on them even if we know they can’t really satisfy our needs.
Soon we can’t even remember what our needs really were. We get so focused on meeting the needs of the people whose affections we desire that we fail to recognize and respect our own feelings and needs. We lose our identity and self-esteem. And then we lose the interest of the very people we have tried to please.
If you could recognize this pattern, know that not everything is lost. You’re not cursed. You’re not unworthy. You’re not hopeless. Things have happened for a reason, and it’s time we do something about it.
Why do we fall in love with the wrong person?
1. We’re just so lonely that we want the company and validation of other people even if we’re not really compatible with them.
Some personalities naturally clash. Some issues are very difficult to address in a short span of time, especially when mixed with other issues. No matter how much we want to, there are some people who can better assist us at certain stages in our lives, especially while we’re healing or learning to dream again. We have to find those people, and let go for a while those who might only stunt our growth.
Many times however, when we’re so lonely, we just don’t care about these things. We just don’t want to be alone! Being alone becomes like a phobia, a fear so great it cripples us from doing anything else.
Where is this fear coming from? Was it due to peer pressure or to influences from the media? Does it have anything to do with your old childhood issues and neglect? Were you made to believe you could never be “complete” on your own?
There is a big difference between loneliness and solitude. Solitude is when you’re alone but you’re still in touch with your source of life. Loneliness can grip you even when you’re with other people. It’s when you feel “cut-off” from the source of your natural joy, from life.
How lonely are you right now? Is your loneliness so great it can’t really be addressed adequately even if you’re with another person?
2. We seek a trait we lack but desire to have in another person who has it.
It is said that the people we admire most possess certain traits we’d like to have for ourselves. It can be anything from being funny, intelligent, confident, adventurous, or even holy.
These are the traits we often find lovable in a person, traits we want to acquire in order to become lovable as well.
When we find people with these traits and become their partners, we feel as though we have also acquired these traits through affiliation. Finally, we become whole, we forget whatever it is that we lack.
But what if the person who possess such a trait also has other traits that are not really desirable, or even harmful? One example is when we find an adventurous person, but with a violent streak. Is it worth it? Would you like to have his exciting life even if he hurts you physically and emotionally?
Can you not find this trait in another person who is in control of himself? Or can you not try to grow this trait into your own character? It may be that you’ve been overprotected or restricted as a child and you now long for freedom to express yourself. But can you not do that with other supportive friends who will not damage your self-respect?
3. We project an illusion of our ideals instead of seeing other people as they really are.
Are you really in love? Or are you just in love with the idea of being in love?
Do you really love your partner? Or are you just in love with your illusion of who he/she is?
We fall in love with the wrong people when we’re so wrapped up in our illusions that we become blind to the true character of the people we become intimate with.
In this situation, it’s like we’re actually using a person, any availble person we can cling on to in order to feed our ideals which they may never be able to satisfy. We demand from them things they could never give us. We want to turn them into persons they could never really become.
In order to find true happiness, we must also accept the truth about other people. It’s the only way to let go of those you don’t really want and then give yourself the chance to find someone you truly desire.
4. We don’t know what we really want in a person.
Have you so forgotten your own needs that you also forgot what you truly want in your life partner?
I’ve noticed that people who easily found their partners were the ones who had a clear idea of what they wanted in the other person.
They have been allowed to dream, and they truly believed they can someday meet people who can make them happy.
True love demands truthfulness from your heart. Even if you find certain people you can be with for the moment, you’d just end up pushing them away if you can’t really find the heart to love them.
Dare to find out what your heart really desires. Only then can your prayers truly be answered.
5. We can’t believe we’re good enough to find better people.
It may be that we do know what we’re looking for in a person. We know exactly the kind of people who could make us happy. But along the way, we were convinced we could never really find them. We were made to believe we don’t deserve them or that they don’t even exist at all!
How many times have you been told your standards were too high? Does it mean you have to lie to yourself and settle for someone you don’t really like? Isn’t it unfair for you and that person? Why can’t you believe you’re good enough to find the person you truly deserve?
To really fall in love is not a tedious obligation to be performed, but a blessed opportunity to be grateful for! What kind of person will make your heart leap with joy? What kind of partner can make you feel God loves you?
To fall in love with the right person is to receive a wonderful gift from God! Which person will you consider as that? As God’s “precious gift” to you?
Falling in love with the wrong people doesn’t mean we don’t deserve to be loved fully. It doesn’t mean we couldn’t find the right people who will give us authentic love and lasting joy. But it does mean that we have to make some changes that will break our previous pattern of hurts and start a new process of healing and growth.
It means giving ourselves the time and space we need in order to see ourselves in a whole new perspective, to see the unique and beautiful person who also deserves to be respected and loved.
Be the right person for the right person at the right time! Don’t fill the empty space in your heart with anything less than God’s best plan for you. Await for His gift and believe that you have always been loved by One who will never give up on you!